gosh my hols have been so damn hectic!
one after another, all my...stuff.. seemed to chase me down ruthlessly.
and even now, things keep jumping off my to-do list,
and are animatedly biting at my heels as we speak

phew but at least now the major things are pretty much over, so it's time to settle down and breathe a lil.

MOE internship,
from hearing all the many voices
to seeing teachers in a different light
from square grey cubicles to lush green horti culture
from understanding the need for a sense of community
to discovering the importance of human relations.
it's been....educational. (lousy pun totally intended)

India Model UN.
from the polluted air
to the guys peeing on the streets
from crazy human jungles
to being cut off every three WORDS
from the most adorable kids
to meeting the funnest, craziest bunch of girls=)
from the mmm oh-so-yummy food
to the multihued vibrant colours
it's been an unforgettable experience

Lit test.
from psycho insecure general
to highly intelligent ammoral pseudo satan
from quirky wit and false impressions
to the mercenery exchanges of marriage
'nuff said.

Japan.
from pretty snowflakes,
to icing covered houses
from the childlike joy and snowball fights
to the blatant ignoring of frozen ears and noses
from so many, so many meandering thoughts
to missing all who i hold dear.
from looooong flight delays
to just wanting to go home.
it was a good end,

i am spent.

Loss

A.C. Grayling writes  

dd

It is a grateful fact of human psychology that we forget our suffering. We do not forget that we suffered, but we do expunge the felt quality of the experience as it actually occurred. Life would be unbearable otherwise, beset by too-readily rekindled pain as sharp as its first appearance. Perhaps the agony of Borges’ character Funes the Memorious, the man who could not forget nothing, lay as much in his capacity to relive the raw quality of suffering as in the burden of his inability to erase millions of trivial memories. 

  

But we do not forget our losses, because loss- especially of those we love, or of crucial places or things- reshapes our world, and obliges us to learn again the task of navigating it. Absence is a large presence; a gap in the familiar array of people who matter to us, or in the usual events which make the pattern of our lives, is a far bigger space than one imagined possible until it appears. For that reason bereavement, divorce, loss of a job, loss of a home- the major losses- are the most stressful and distressing of all experiences. And they can happen with such a cruel suddenness that they make us lose other things besides: faith in the world, confidence in ourselves. 

Common wisdom sees that a preparedness to lose is a necessary condition of gain. Naturally enough, most hope they can escape the condition, which makes loss more bitter when it occurs. It is hard to accept that to live is to lose- and that the only way to gain what matters is to accept these facts with courage.

It was against the devastating effects of loss that the Stoic philosophers of antiquity tried to arm people by their teachings, given the uncertainty of everything in life except the inevitability that we will lose some of what we most cherish. When we fall in love, for example, we do not think that we will one day lose the beloved; but so we will, as surely as the sun rises every day- through death at last, if our loves are deep; or through the mischances of growing apart, changing, finding new loves, losing old hope, and accumulating too many misunderstandings. Such is life, and even the brightest optimist has to accept the fact.

Accordingly, the Stoic thinkers advised their fellows to possess only what they would not mind losing. Montaigne learned from them to think as he did, he wrote, ‘I love not to know an account of what I have, that I may less exactly feel mu losses.’ The point was an instance of the more general one that since we have little control over external events, we must learn to govern ourselves instead; the less we desire, the less we base our serenity or satisfaction on what happens outside us, and therefore the less our loss will be when the inevitabilities occur. 

But although this teaching was designed to help people bear vicissitudes bravely, and in its inspiration is one of the tenderest and most thoughtful of philosophies, it misses a very important point. This is that if one is frugal with one’s emotions- limiting love in order to avoid its pains, stifling appetites and desires in order to escape the price of their fulfilment- one lives a stunted, muffles, bland life only. It is practically tantamount to a partial death in order to minimise the electric character of existence- its pleasures, its ecstasies, its richness and colour matched by its agonies, its disasters and grief. To take life in armfuls, to embrace and accept it, to leap into it with energy and relish, is of course to invite trouble of all the familiar kinds. But the cost of avoiding trouble is a terrible one: it is the cost of having trodden the planet for humanity’s brief allotment of less than a thousand months, without having really lived.

Alas, the teachings of Stoic philosophers have been almost prophetic as the modern man embraces apathy as a means to cope with their emotion discontent or dull the outrage they feel as others trespass upon each man’s moral territory. In a near apocalyptic demise of expectations and standards modern man manages his loss by simply not being man. And like the leper who does not know he has lost yet another finger, the modern world remains oblivious to how it will lose yet another heart.

I & R

this year has been one of change and contradictions,

one that was filled with strange moments

that on one hand defied the laws of rationality

yet in some queer inexplanable way, made perfect sense.

it was a year of unanswered questions,

but i guess the questions served their purpose

and it is the inexistence of answers that has kept me searching

thereby being more useful to me than any

perfectly answered and subsequently dismissed question might have been

the disillusionments on the other hand,

have been hard to handle in many ways.

like discovering that gravity isnt quite the same on the moon,

finding out about the world

has often left me in doubt and uncertainty.

but i guess i have to be grateful,

the greyscaled shades of knowledgable cynicism is to be welcomed

far more than the glaring xenon light that is ignorant idealism.

the state of flux that this year has put me through

(or rather, on second thought, i put myself through)

has been challenging and full of unexpected bouts of emotional tsunamis,

each leaving behind the carcass of yet another realm of child-like make-believe.

like a hurricane that storms through a town in unbridled fury

hurling foundations to the tempest wind,

the persistence of change dictates the temperament of my days.

ivory, magnolia, and cream paints a constant illusion

yet, it is not the basis of white,

but rather the pressence of hidden colours that make or break

it never rains but pours,

filling the air with a certain coldness

that stifles the child and douses the fire,

almost imperceptibly.

the prized art of the circus

has become the much sought after treasured skill

without which leaves one losing breath

in the whirlpool of overambition.

the race is not a sprint,

but a marathon.

how long would it take before

the accumulation of toxic acids render muscles useless

from which all else turns into nothing but white elephants?

(ah, all that pretentious intellectual emo-ing)

"you were unmistakably my first love
and i will never forget that. even though
we have both grown apart, both changed,
a piece of you remains with me. you will
always be a part of me because you unknowingly
showed me what i deserve
and every guy i'm with for the rest of my life
will be compared to you."

in retrospect,
i thank you,
i thank you for everything that you have given me,
i thank you for all the love, the patience and time.
and i'm sorry, that i could never love you in the same way.
as easy as it is to fall back into the old patterns and ways,
i won't, cos you're an amazing person and you deserve better.
you deserve someone who can love you with all that she has,
who can make time for you, who will put you in the centre of her universe.
and i'm not that girl.
keep looking, i'm sure you'll find her someday =)

"I can't believe that!' said Alice.

"Can't you?" the queen said in a pitying tone.

"Try again, draw a long breath, and shut your eyes."

Alice laughed. "There's no use trying," she said.

"One can't believe impossible things."

"I dare say you haven't had much practice," said the queen.

"When I was your age, I always did it for half an hour a day.

Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."

Lewis Carroll

through the looking glass, and what Alice found there

31.07.08

half the year's gone.
and how time has flown!
orientation has come and gone,
the CTs have come and gone,
the Holidays have come and, very sadly, gone,
and even more significantly, i've stopped associating myself with the sec 4s.
that may sound awfully insignificant
but i think that last point over there is really what made me realise,
more than anything else that i've grown just that little bit more.

this year has been the most challenging by far.
i've been stretched like never before,
and i've learnt so much that i feel overwhelmed sometimes.
learning about the world,
learning about people,
learning about huge broad aspects of life.
but really, what i've learnt more than anything else,
is that this world is infinite.
knowledge and creativity and innovation is infinite.
the possibility of mankind is infinite.
there is just so so much out there to learn and know,
so much to understand.
as i sit in my tiny room in tiny singapore,
there is like this WHOLE expense of THINGS ( i'm sorry i really couldnt find a better word that could encompass everything) beyond my imagination and limited knowledge

it's amazing, it's inspiring, it's exciting!

there's just so much i wanna know and dont know that i dont even know what i dont know/.
(if it doesnt make sense nevermind.
haha)

so thus far, i can only let my curiosity lead me,
and let my interests guide me.

of cos, there are times when i feel like screaming,
" globalisation, integration and all that jazz?
i dont care, i'm just a kid!"
i'm seventeen, i shouldnt have to care about why the battle against terrorism is getting harder and harder with things like cyber-terrorism, bio-terrorism, and how the odds will always be stacked on their side.
i shouldnt have to care about how the global economy is in transition, in terms of method, system, and perhaps most importantly, arena.
i shouldnt have to care about how people all over the world are fighting and killing each other in a manner of thousands. the palestine-isreali conflict, the war in iraq etc.
i shouldnt have to care about the moral, economic and social implications that the progress in medical science have on society; as cloning, organ trading - brainchilds of scientific geniuses, take the world by storm.
i shouldnt have to care about how the top 1 percent of the world's adult population owns 40 percent of the world’s wealth while according to UNICEF, 26,500-30,000 children die EACH DAY due to poverty.

it's all a little overwhelming and as i pick up a copy of SEVENTEEN, and flip through its glossy pages on fashion, boys and school, i wonder if ignorance is bliss after all.

perhaps if i could shrug it all off and turn an apathetic eye upon these THINGS, it would be easier. cos at the end of the day, it's always easier not to care.

but then again, as i have painted a bleak and grey image of the world,
at the same time, the human spirit never fails to astound me.
it is as much a paradox as it is an irony.

i love finding out what makes a person do what they do,

and understanding the workings behind the human mind,

is perhaps one of the most rewarding, and intricate processes.

because people are beautiful, and it's far more than skin deep.

i love reading about people,
ppl who have made sth of their lives,
ppl who have fought against the odds
ppl who have lived with grace, humour, and passion.
or even ordinary ppl who, as they go about their ordinary lives, do extraordinary things.
a bunch of students who find fun in walking to and fro, sheltering their fellow schoolmates from the rain.
a young man who has given up his seat in the train to an old man who had given up his to someone else whose need for it was greater.
a man who, having understood that what ppl need when they feel most alone in the world is a hug, sparked off one of the most smile-inducing movements of all time.

the strength and beauty of people, the spirit and passion and love,
the tenacity, the will, the determination.

it's amazing.
and in this increasingly despairing and confusing world we live in, it is these acts of kindness and strength that will remind us once again that the human race is not intrinsically bad.

to end off,
i would like to make a small tribute to Randy Pausch,
who has been a great inspiration to me,
who has taught me how important it is to face life's inevitables with courage, strength and most of all, a smile.
and whose journey has taught me that you can't change the cards you've been dealt, only how you play them.
thank you for your words, your humour, and your strength.

rest in peace.
25.07.08

if you have no idea who he is,
where have you been living??
go check out his site.
http://download.srv.cs.cmu.edu/~pausch/news/index.html

make a scene, draw hearts, get into trouble, talk during class, pass a note, eat some candy.play video games, dance freely, sing loudly, run a mile, hug a friend, get hyper. eat your icecream, go out for desserts, smile at a stranger, laugh even louder. take a chance, share a secret, whisper it in his ear, tell someone you love her.

life isnt easy, but having friends makes all the difference. thank you, and know that i love each and every one of you dearly. we're all fighting our own battles, but have faith, be strong, we'll be ok in the end =)

24 may - went out with limei, nat, aud to shop at vivo, had nice lunch at white dog cafe,

met kailin and co. at bugis to walk around and such.

25 may - had SOT globalisation lecture

26 may - went to send yifan off

27 may - watched made of honour with mish

28 may - went out with wynne, went to the cathy, had ben and jerry's,

met up with leon for dessert at nydc at wheelock.

29 may - chem lecture (i fell asleep, no surprise there) + asean plus summit recee of SMU

30 may - shopping with mum, very productive

i.e. i bought lots

31 may - hw with kailin and co. at the aiport macs

i did 6 maths qns and had a lot of ice cream

1 june - was supposed to go for class outing but couldnt,

dad was being anal

2 june - first day i spent at home

3 june - went down to hostel to settle rooming for the international delegates

4 june - mish's hse. love lives and SU's joel =)

5 june - PW

6 june - NRP ( got lost at NTU. AGAIN)

7, 8 june - habitat for humanity

too much to say.

9 june - caught up on sleep

10 june - went to see ah ma, asked her about her russia trip

11 june - asean "meeting" in the morning, went to play pool with wynne, kanglin etc,

CHIJMES!

had a lot of food,

watched sex and the city,

slept over at su's place

12 june - spent recovering from being up all night

13 june - ASEAN plus 08 dry run at SMU

14 june - school of thought lecture, country case study

15 june - spent at the hostel receiving international delegates

16 - 19 june - DHS asean plus 08

GREAT SUCCESS!=)

20 june - DANCE

21 june - PW and steffi's surprise party!

22 June - last day of hols,

spent at home dreading tmr.

be loved.

because each and every one of us are flawed.

because we all fear that in our bare nakedness
we will not be good enough, or deserving of others' love
because we are all afraid that the skeletons in our closet,
and the truths locked up in the back of our minds
will always be too great, too dark, too much to be accepted.

so we hide parts of ourselves away,
build walls we convince ourselves we cant live without,
yet deep down knowing we cant live within forever.
but there's beauty in imperfection,
and one day, i hope to take courage in who i am;
to stand in truth and infinite faith,
because only then,

can i be loved unconditionally,
in all my imperfections.

love, and be loved.


14.06.08

Life has, for far too long, been passing me by.

the days come and go as time persists on its eternal journey

and too often i have let it carry me aimlessly forward, with no direction of my own.

we are all searching for that elusive sense of contentment,

when you know you've arrived at where you were meant to be,

doing what you were supposed to, driven by passion and excitment.

but as life carries on in its drudgery, it's like a maze.

you'll get lost along the way,

you'll lose sight of where you're going

or why you even bother.

you're reduced to merely putting one feet in front of the other,

blindly moving forward in an obligation to your existence.

it is wearying, and sometimes you wonder if you're truly alive,

and if you're somehow missing out on sth.

it is at times like these that i have to take a step back

to open my eyes to everything around me

and take a good look at what i have been given,

what i've had the opportunity to find,

what i've worked to achieve.

to look at all that i've been fortunate enough to have and to hold.

to look at all that i take pride in,

to look at all the people i hold dear, who give my life meaning.

and i find that to condemn myself to a view of the world, in which shades of grey are all there is,

is far too selfish of me.

i've come to realise that it's not that the colours were not there,

but rather i had chosen not to see them.

the light that streams through the stained glass
painting the room in various hues,
brings warmth and beauty to a formerly darkened room.

the yellow of canaries that sing, of sunflowers that colour the earth, of stars that shine at night, brings with it cheer and faith of bright days.

the green of the grass, upon which we walk towards our destiny
is filled with life and hope
and the spirit of new beginnings.
the blue of the cloudless sky, high above,
spells of boundless possibilities, and endless dreams.

the red of the setting sun, reflects the glory of the day,
and the magic of life which has no end, knowing that the sun will rise again.


each sunrise brings with it the the hope of another day.

Each day is a gift,

and i'm happy to be alive


13.06.08

it's the holidays!

omg let me repeat it again..

IT'S THE HOLIDAYS!!

hahaha

a brief respite from all that hectic stress-filled school days.

for this holiday,

i'm gonna aim to strike a nice balance between having fun and getting sufficient rest to refresh and recharge.

i wanna meet up with ppl i have, for too long, been neglecting,

i wanna hear bout what silly/ meaningful things ppl have been up to,

and just generally spend time with ppl.

now that i have the time to really be 100% there and not just being physically there while my mind's somewhere else worrying bout a billion other things.

gosh, in that sense, the holidays are like a blank canvas just waiting to be filled with a kaleidoscopic spectrum of colours.

i wanna go out, have fun and make memories.

at the same time,

i wanna spend some time with myself,

resting and recharging.

sometimes i forget how much school and all the different commitments take out of me.

in retrospect,

these past 6 months have been one of the most challenging and tiring periods of my life,

and there have been times when i feel like i'm being pulled apart in all directions, as different things vie for my immediate attention;

when i feel on the brink of just giving up everything;

being literally torn apart as there are moments when i wake up to find that i have no idea what the hell i'm doing or why.

and now, i wanna take the time to reflect and truly think about things.

think about what's important to me,

think about the lil quirky non-sensical random things that keep me sane

think happy thoughts,

away from the noise and hustle that calls out to me to be all the different things i'm not.

bascially, i wanna take the time to think;

to hold up a mirror to myself and come to terms with the person staring back at me.

so, to end off,

here's much love for a wonderful holiday ahead! =)

gosh, i don't know what to say..

a kaleidoscope of emotions, swirling around each other,

these feelings, they are so hard to write..

being back there brings back a ton of memories,

seeing it all again today,

that familiar backdrop,
that identical sense of excitement that hangs in the air,
the nervous smiles right before,
the motivating whooshes and
the same old " OMG the mascara's missing. AGAIN!?"

just brings such a bittersweet feeling.

like a juxtaposition that's not really there,
i watch these scenes play out through a window
the excitement, the nervousness, the joy..
they are not mine anymore.
now, i am only there to watch as a spectator,
maybe occasionally poking my head in,
but never really being a part of it.
and i miss it so much my heart aches.
But even then, i know..

that another generation has risen.

AND what a generation it is!

watching them all step up and take the lead, watching them grow up
and put up one kickass performance just brings indescribable pride.
it's amazing what they've come so far to accomplish.
it really makes one feel so old.
EDS COM '08, you guys are awesome!

there's so much i wanna say, but yet

it's so hard to put it down in words,

everything seems like an understatement,

and there's no prose, poetry or rhyme that can fully encompass the magnitude of these emotions.

pride doesnt even begin to cover it!

So, this goes out to all the dancers with love,

to all my darling jnrs, (especially the sec 4s)
i've watched you grow from being that shy, quiet girls
to amazing dancers who just SHINE in the spotlights.
watching all of you blossom into gorgeous individuals,
finding your place on the stage,
dancing, acting.
it's just amazing!

each and every one of you are beautiful in your own special way
and tonight, the spotlight's managed to capture that in your dancing and in your smiles
it's an honour being your snr and just watching you dance your heart out
gives me immense joy.
girls, you did GREAT tonight! be as proud of yourselves as i am of all of you=)

with MUCH LOVE,

Sam.

i wake, to a bright and sunny saturday morning

with the sunshine on my face, curtains blowing in the breeze.

i ease out of my half slumber to greet the day

as my mind returns from its dreamland wonderings,

it's gonna be a good day :)

29.03.08

ok i have 11 minutes to get this out before i burn off my brains doing work that should have been done a long time ago

but i just had to write this down before i lose this feeling of really having sth to say

reading anothers' blog sheds some light on a world of which i had no clue

it's funny how sheltered i and well the general singaporean student population really is.

drugs, prostitution, suicide

psycho killing, genocide, school violence

these are foreign concepts to us,

nothing much but an idea really,

we dont see it dont understand it

dont connect with it in a way that makes it real to us.

they're something you hear about

or read about

or watch in the movies

and in many ways i am grateful

i'm grateful i've never lost a friend to suicide,

i'm grateful i never have to watch a loved one battle chemical chains

and grateful in general that all my friends and family live comfortable happy lives

(not matter how much we complain about it)

but it's amazing how the world consist of so much more than what we know of it

there's so much out there that we dont know

so much we cannot identify with

and more often than not

we dont understand

and it is this ignorance that cripples us as humans,

it is this lack of empathy and not just pity

that segregates us

for it is always easier to judge with the lack of understanding

and it is this ignorance that scares me.

that there are aspects of the humankind i can never come to terms with

that there is cruelty

and despair and ugliness

manifested in ways i've never thought possible.

i wanna get out

i wanna see for myself

the extreme ends of the spectrum which the world spans

to know all sides of the issue

to see what this universe has to offer outside of these lands

to know the different, to connect with the same,

beauty vs pain.

paradise is built on bloodstained soils,

it takes having faced the ugly to appreciate the beautiful.

17.03.08

hey ppl

life's been a question lately.

i'm missing people now more than ever

and as i seek to fill this queer void of mine,

i find that i have no idea where i'm going and what the hell i'm doing.

reality is like a rude awakening,

when you think you have a picture perfect plan

reality knocks on your door as a forceful reminder

that not everything's gonna go your way and that's life.

and as time passes like that,

i've come to open the closet of myself

to find nothing but skeletons there.

i'm selfish.

i'm weak.

i'm pathetic.

i'm a failure.

i dont hold on hard enough to the things that matter

everything i do is pretty much motivated by self interest

and i never truly learnt to care about anybody but myself.

sometimes i just wish i could curl up into a ball and hide.

but it's so pathetic cos i've no right to complain

no right to be disatisfied with what i have when others have so much less

and here i am being a typical spoilt angsty teenager.

how much more pathetic can i get?

17.02.08