coffee is bad for the heart

it's the end of another year.

for me, 2010 slipped into 2011 gently, away from the crowds and the bustle, in the quiet of my familiar home.

the countdown was done between me and my favourite boy, with modern technology reducing 9000 miles to the distance between two screens. 

what a deception.

2010 was a long one for me. as the start of university marked the beginning of another chapter, 2010 seemed to comprise of 2 independent and distinct years. 

2010.1 was marked by the mad rush of interning, of working, of worrying, of expecting, of hoping, of being disappointed, of giving up, of pushing on, of succeeding, of replanting dreams. finding out that the future is going to be nothing like you'd planned is one of the most humbling and educational (for lack of a better word) experiences. i learnt a lot about myself and what i'm capable of in the face of crumbling aspirations and desperation. i also learnt about my limitations and flaws that arise under pressure. i learnt that you have to be happy doing what you've chosen to do, i've learnt that it is important to stand by your decisions.

this period also brought many happy memories. sun sand and sea with two of the most beautiful people; shopping, shopping and more shopping with the 3 bestest friends a girl could possibly have. interspersed between these are many fulfilling times spent in the company of friends who've been there since the beginning of time (or at least that what it feels like), who know all my quirks and whims and still love me all the same. 

the start of uni (2010.2) brought with it much trepidation and the sense of dislocation was overwhelming. in the struggle between being understood and not being vulnerable, there are no easy answers. being close takes a certain leap of faith, it takes putting yourself out there and risking heartache. i've learnt that there are more ways to love than one. I've learnt a lot about what i need from people, and what i can give. i've learnt that i built my world around the people i've chosen. i've learnt that i cannot be everything people need all the time. i've learnt that i cannot hold on to things and people, on my own. i've learnt that people (and the roles they come to play in my life) are not replaceable and because of that, i've learnt that there is merit in keeping my heart whole, and close. there is much i wish i could change, but nothing i regret. most of all, there is much i miss of what i've lost.

through it all, you've been there. 2010 wasnt an easy year for us. it was a year filled with uncertainty, with doubt, with unknown variables and i'm not sure we came out of it the same people we were before. at the same time, it was a year of growing together, of realisations and a certain understanding that what we have is unique and difficult to find. and as much as we dont know what the future holds, it brings me great comfort to know that i have you, and that means the world to me.

2010 has been one heck of a year and so much has happened that there is no way i could capture in full what the year has meant to me and how its changed me. nonetheless, one of the most important things its taught me is how unpredictable the future is; how dreams can disappoint you and how the unexpected can make you happy.

I cant wait to see what 2011 holds.

for the past few days, thoughts have been brewing a storm in my head, i swing from one decision to the next in equal measure, in doubletime. but today, seeing him before me, makes everything so much more real. cheating isnt just a transition between choices, or a process to weigh two ppl who have come to be very dear to me. no, cheating is also a breach of trust. and secrecy builds nothing but unsurmountable walls.
the guilt hits like a ton of bricks. and when asked by the bf, i am hard pressed to say that nothing has changed. because they have. things have changed. and the more lies i tell, and the more i hide, the greater the distance becomes. and to lie to someone you have been completely honest with, feels like lying to yourself. and all i wanna do is scream, i'm cheating on you, i'm in a relationship with someone else. because the consequence of being hated and alone, is nothing more than i deserve.

this is crazy, i dont know what to do, and the urge to run away gets stronger. the idea that all i ever do is hurt people over and over and over again, recurs in my mind like a plague on a mission to consume. and i feel terribly undeserving of love, of trust, of anything good. the decision to just be alone looms very much like sth i have to do. to be alone, till i earn forgiveness, from myself and the people who deserve so much more from me.

conversations

looking through a list of things to do on inSing.com..

Gaius: there're a lot of family-friendly things to do ah

Sam: ya lor, we should just leave them out

pause

Gaius: or we could start one.

it is such a strange feeling scrolling down my fb profile page to way back then. it's like looking at snapshots of the past and i cant help thinking, how did things get so complicated?

there's a hole in my heart the size of arizona.