Breathe.

Your head's a messy place, and your heart is somewhere lost in the past. 

Perhaps there is truth in the saying that living in your memories is a kind of comfort.

Wanderlust

Perhaps it is true that we do not really exist until there is someone there to see us existing, we cannot properly speak until there is someone there who can understand what we are saying, in essence, we are not wholly alive until we are loved - Alain de Botton

We talked, I cried, you looked sad.

We went home together, and at the end of everything, I think we'll be ok.

Articulating what you need, in a gentle, clear way isnt the easiest thing in the world. Sometimes you dont even know what you need, all you have is a sense of unease that doesnt lend itself well to articulation, much less to someone who exists outside your head.

There will always be a part of you that hopes the other person will just get it; that he'll just look into those eyes of yours through which you project all your vulnerabilities, feelings and personality, and instantaneously know what you need the moment you need it.

And an even bigger part of you wonders if you have any right to ask for more. Whether you are being too demanding, coating the relationship with unrealistic expectations, seeing life through the rose-tinged filtered lenses that books and movies that have touched your soul have taught you is real.

But at the end of the day, we need what we need to be happy. and as we strive to bring someone else into our world, to co-pilot our journey through this messy crazy thing we call life, we shouldnt expect it to be easy. We should expect it to be difficult, but hopeful, challenging, but reassuring. because few things in this life worth anything ever came easy.

To know that you'll try is enough for me. 

Pull.Yourself.Together

This is how it's done boys.

"So I’m at an old cafe by the beach alone and I got up to use the restroom and buy a croissant. When I returned this was in my book.

You know when people say “What’s the alternative to cat-calling?” This. This is the alternative."

Words in stars

Because everyone wants to dream big, live loud and love with every bit of their broken & beautiful soul.

How does one live like there's no tomorrow, yet love like it'll last forever? 

Today I'm just totally exhausted with the world. 

That's it. I just had to put it out there. 

Crossing the finish line

Thus begins my last year in school. I feel woefully unprepared, with my head in a mess and my heart strewn across multiple geographies. I feel like i do not exist wholly here. my edges are blurred and particles of me threaten to drift away, lured by a n unknown call. But it's my last year, I no longer live in a space and time where my actions have no consequence. This is real life again, this is my life.

My life.

The weight of my dreams, my history, my ambiguity weigh heavily on me. I carry these into the future, and wonder if I should travel lighter. I oscillate between indifference and overwhelming desire. To want is to fear loss, disappointment. To not want is to live a life devoid of meaning. Negotiating the two extremes is exhausting, and these days I exist in a cloud of listlessness - not alive enough to actually do what it takes to make things happen, not nonchalant enough that this does not bother me.

But today I take a deep breath and dare. I dare to want, I dare to hope, and I dare to put myself out there. Everyone is fighting for a chance, and I need to believe that I too stand a fighting chance. We've come so far now, do not give up now. As much as the journey has been a full and fulfilling one, do not fool yourself into thinking that you will be happy with the experience alone. Hold yourself together now, and holding the hands of the ones you love, cross the finish line standing tall and ending strong.

When excuses begin to sound like reasons, and you can no longer tell the difference.

Today I am happy. Happy in a way that I havent been in a long while, the kind of happy that creeps up on you, that starts deep within your soul and spreads outwards like hot chocolate on a wintry day. The kind of happy that no amount of i-had-a-crappy-day-ness can kill (and by all accounts I did have a crappy day) and I'm writing this here, because moments like these are so rare, and I want to remember it. I want to remember what it feels like to be hopeful, and excited, and grateful to be alive.

Today I am happy.

The distance, it is killing us. Up here I see everything, so sharp and clear and beautiful it makes my teeth ache and my eyes hurt and my ears sting with the sound of absence. So close, so close I can almost feel you, you are almost here - but you are only almost, and I am still lost. 

We are neither of us free.

Redefining Beauty

So let me tell you what I think beautiful is. What real, deep, inner beauty is. Beautiful is the woman who keeps her head up and is proud of her body, just as it is. Beautiful is the man who has to hide his gay lover from his judgmental parents, but who loves, regardless of what the world will think. Beautiful are the women who buy the jeans that fit them, not the ones they hope will fit one day; the people who wear what they want because they like it. Beautiful are the people who choose love. Beautiful are the people who allow their bodies to be their temples and canvases, and who create their outer beings to reflect their inner. Beautiful are the people who hurt and feel insecure and make mistakes—but rise above, and find confidence and admit when they’re wrong. Beautiful is you and me. Beautiful is everyday. Beautiful is the struggle and the triumph, and beautiful is the understanding how necessary the struggle was. Remember that the next time you feel hopeless. Beautiful is loving yourself enough to know you’re worth more than feeling inadequate. 

- Thoughtcatalog

You were supposed to be just another person.

You meet a person. Maybe you meet at a party, maybe it was a friend's friend, maybe you meet in school, between lunch and running to classes. Anyway, you meet a person, a person like any other person.

But then you hit it off, maybe you talk, maybe you eat, catch a movie.
Maybe you realize you enjoy his company.

Days turn to weeks, one date turns to three, then five, then you stop counting.
That's when you know he's now part of your life.

Then you have a crappy day, your boss yells at you, you trip over your own left feet.
Or you have a great day, you saw a funny man selling balloons on the street.
And you find yourself reaching for that phone, and find yourself saying "guess what happened today?"

Suddenly, an ordinary meal, an ordinary day, he looks at you, in an extraordinary way.
Your heart flutters, you feel like an age old cliché.

Then it happens, he tells you he loves you. Asks you to be his. Can you do this, you wonder? Before you know it, you've taken that leap, it's too late to ponder. Your world shifts, your heart is full. You live for two now, not just you.

Then he leaves. "We can do this" he says. We can love from 9,000 miles away.
You believe him, not because you want to, but because you have to.

At first it's ok. You have a full life, with friends and goals and things to do. Between the skype calls and msges, between the whispered words and easy conversations, you start to think this could work. We can make this work. We can make up in emotions what we lack in physical presence. We can build a relationship on cherished words, sweet letters and imagination.

Then comes a rainy day. It's pouring outside. You're huddled on the couch, and out of nowhere you find yourself thinking, I wish he was here. You look down at the arms you've wrapped around yourself, desperately wishing they were his. You lean back against the soft cushion wondering why it isnt his chest you're leaning on.

Then you realize, the world had shifted from beneath your feet, where you used to be the centre of gravity, there is only him now. He who pulls you together, he who orders your world. Without him, nothing makes sense. You walk around, living only half a life, cast out into space. Like the crescent moon, half of you is in shadows; a present absence you can't ignore.

You wake up in the morning and where his arms should be, all you find is nothing. You walk to class, and where his fingers should be, holding yours, all you find is nothing. When you laugh, and you turn to share the joke, where his face should be, all you find is nothing.

Everywhere that his eyes, his lips, his nose, his ears, his smile should be, all you find is nothing.

Just nothing.

But the human heart was not made to exist like that. The human heart exists to be whole, complete, and entirely self-sufficient. And slowly, the pain and emptiness turns to blame and resentment. You start to think, this is supposed to be the best time of my life, this is when I'm supposed to be most alive.

You think, I'm not supposed to feel empty and missing. I'm not supposed to live, wishing every minute of every day, that you were here. I'm not supposed to live, counting down days, hours, seconds, wondering why time can't seem to past fast enough.

I'm supposed to live. Passionately, wholly, wildly, madly, with all of me. Not just the bits you left me with.

I'm tired of telling you I miss you. I'm tired of missing you.

Who would have thought, it all started with meeting a person, a person just like any other person.

You are not your hair color. You are not your choice of clothing. You’re not your height, weight or job or degree of education. More importantly, you’re not your mistakes. You’re not defined by the things that make you human, otherwise known to some as “flaws.” The physical are just descriptors that make you easier to identify by others, they don’t define who you are.

You are whatever touches your soul more deeply than anything. You are who you love. You are the music that makes you cry. You are the daydreams your mind trails off to. You are your favorite food. You are your deepest desires. You are what you want to bring to the world. You are the silly jokes that make you laugh. You are how you treat other people, especially people who don’t and can’t do anything for you in return. You are anything and everything that touches you and changes you from your core.

Be strong, be strong, be strong, be strong, be strong, be strong, be strong, be strong, be strong, be strong, be strong, be strong, be strong, be strong, be strong, be strong, be strong, be strong, be strong, be strong, be strong, be strong, be strong, be strong, be strong, be strong, be strong, be strong, be strong, be strong, be strong, be strong, be strong, be strong, be strong, be strong, be strong, be strong, be strong, be strong, be strong, be strong, be strong,.

#3

 5 things I'm grateful for today:

1. Amazing suite-mates who are much better people than I am and who are willing to listen to my little messes and offer astoundingly wise advice. I thank my lucky stars you guys got stuck with me.
2. Doggie bags, because there is always too much good food
3. Cheesecake with strawberries
4. knowing that I can learn and grow from mistakes, and that I can and will be a better person
5. Exciting spring break plans (Puerto Rico & Honduras, here I come!)

#2

5 things I'm grateful for today:

1. cancelled classes (i really shouldnt be happy my prof is down with a flu...but I am)
2. Pandora (next best invention after skype)
3. project free tv (just finished a whole season of suits. yeah baby!)
4. oreo cheesecake cupcakes
5. great conversations over dinner

Silver Linings

Today's all rainy and grey, the best type of weather to curl up in bed and fall asleep dreaming.

Normally, having to get up at 8 for class in this weather would depress me to no end. But today, I am grateful for some of the little things that make life better.

5 things I'm grateful for today:

1. my mum's warm poofy jacket that kept me dry in the rain
2. a boyfriend who brought said poofy jacket up from Singapore
3. living only 15 mins (walking) from class
4. dinner plans with friends (jap food.yum.)
5. being at one of the best institutions in the world (i tend to forget this sometimes)

Because you make my life beautiful, and I miss you both tonight.

You know it's never going to be "enough" for you. Because you happen to be who you are, life will never be good enough to dazzle you as much as Rimbaud, Suede, or River Phoenix has ever touched you. Everybody seems to want the same thing, which is so often too simply summarized as "happiness" - that accursed word! But you know too damn well that making you happy involves a freaking Tower of Babel and succeeding it with a Parthenon. You don't have to lower your expectations; stay wanting, stay desiring, stay longing, stay hungry. And count your blessings at the start of each day. Don't forget to be thankful for what you already have, which is so much more than what you've always had, which is so much more than what you've ever wanted. You've come a far, far way - from that little square closet in Apkujung, to Sosa, to New York, to Brazil and to France to Portugal to Algeria, to London. And you've stood atop of so many mountains, always longing, always panting, always graceful. In the end, you'll realize how much of life you've savoured without knowing its taste, how much you've accomplished those trials that kept you up crying for so many nights. You don't have to dance away through life, if you don't want to. You can walk, in your own usual strides, with your own usual crowded head, like you've walked down so many roads before, like you've conquered so many paths and christened them, each and every one of them, with your scent and meaning. You'll want for more, more than ever, because it keeps you alive to keep wanting. But when it comes down to the day you'll find yourself gazing at an untrodden winding road and think, "I should sit down now", you'll know - you've lived, and you've loved.

To the ones who make my life beautiful, simply by being in it

It's been tough lately, thinking about the many people who've come into my life for the briefest of moments, making their presence felt, only to leave it as swiftly as they came.

But the flipside of that, I'm slowly learning, are the many people in my life who have been here through it all, who've weathered life's vicissitudes with me, in whose company I've grown.

There is something comforting in looking around and seeing the people who've stayed. In being with people with whom I never need to explain my history, for they were there. In knowing that in their eyes I am known, and in that knowledge I am (still) loved.

So I just wanted to say, thank you for sticking around, and for loving me the way you do.

Please stay close, I don't think I can do this without you.

Love,
Sam

We're strangers with memories

Tonight, my heart aches for every single person who ever meant anything to me, and have walked out of my life since.

There are some mistakes you make over and over again, thinking that each time will be different. But in the end all you're left with is an unbearable sense of deja vu.

Paperyesterdays, words from the future past.

haha I like how this has happened so many times that I can just reuse old blogposts instead of writing new ones.

Because I'm more scared than I've ever been in my life, I thought I should make a note to myself: 

everything seems daunting before you go through it. and in the hardest of times, when work is piling up and you wonder if you can do it and why you chose to put yourself through this, remember that these things will be worth it. Remember the excitement, remember the reasons you had for doing the things you do, and find within you, the passion and joy you had. and most of all, believe in yourself and know that whatever it may be, you can do this. 

So take it one step at a time, and anticipate not what is to come, for the future will work itself out somehow. 

have faith. 

and because sometimes my faith is not strong enough, it's always good to remind myself of others' words: 

"you're out of your comfort zone now. almost a panic zone, but you'll need to get there more often if you want to grow, to achieve and be more than you thought you could be. this is your chance.
I know you can do it. you can handle this"

 Jan 2011

It will always be scary, and exhausting, but look back and remember that you have come this way before. That this fear, has always given way to satisfaction, joy and awe. Pull yourself together Sam, and have faith that everything will work itself out somehow.

And even if things don't turn out the the exact way you want them to, understand that everything happens for a reason. Every choice you make will always be the best one, and every path you take will eventually lead you to where you are meant to be.

Breathe easy, you will be ok.

Waking up on difficult mornings

It’s easier to give in to excuses and give up the fight for a better tomorrow, than to continue on a path strewn with unknown variables at every turn without knowing if your next step could be your last. But I try. We all do; each breath we take a tribute to the spirit of la dolce vita. The world is flawed and we are but broken souls on our journey to discover the missing pieces. Listen not to the naysayers nor the doubts that you tell yourself at 2am. Instead, learn to recognise the sound your heart makes and the change in rhythm it takes when it urges you to listen to what it says.

You start saving the world by saving yourself.

2012 in words

Between all the travelling, the internship applications and the insane running around that is shopping period  I've finally managed to find some time to sit down and write my end of the year post for 2012.

2012 was a crazy year. I was reading back on all my posts for the year and my mind can't quite comprehend how so many things could have happened in such a short time. So much mixed feelings about the year, up till now, I can't quite find the right words to say.

In so many ways, 2012 was a year of painful growing. There aren't many years when you feel the turning of time that comes with birthdays but turning 21 was one of them. Standing at the end of my 21st year, almost 22 now, I feel that much older. It was a year of dealing with difficult situations, of fighting self doubt and struggling to wake up in the mornings and keep going. There were days when I didn't want to face the world, when I just wanted to curl up with someone who could keep me safe. 

This was also the year when difficult questions became more urgent and when thoughts of what I want to do with my life was a constant preoccupation. There is a fear that I will never be all that I want to be, and between reaching for the stars and keeping my feet on the ground, I feel weary and stretched far too thin. Through it all, the fear of being average haunts me. It is perhaps a great irony of life that the memory of failure is both a driving force and source of insecurity. How does one know what one is meant to be? How far one is meant to go? How big a role one is meant to play? Is there no crystal ball I can gaze into for a glimpse of the future? Do I have to keep fighting for things I secretly wonder are beyond my reach? This mad rush to grab life by its horns is taking my breath away and making me breathless.

Nonetheless, this is also the year I've been blessed with incredible opportunities. The project with Conjunct Consulting turned out to be so much more rewarding than I would have expected. Though stressful at times, knowing that I was making a real impact on the world makes all those caffeinated late nights worth it in the end. I couldn't have asked for a better team, all of you brought something unique and indispensable to the overall success of the project. And if there's any credit to be had, it would have to go to each of you who'd worked so hard and who had decided to put your time and talents to this. It was my honour to have worked with all of you. To see our work come to fruition and carried out in a real and tangible way with the launch of the cafe is the most amazing feeling in the world. Also, to know that I can step out of my comfort zone, learn fast and achieve whatever I put my mind to is the most empowering and intoxicating feeling in the world. I now wonder if I will ever be satisfied with anything less, and whether that is necessarily a good thing.

My summer internship was a wonderful experience, full of great people, meaningful work and learning opportunities. It was the perfect combination of business and development, giving me a chance to learn more about how businesses work yet feel like I was doing something, in some small way, to help the world become a better place. As corny as that might sound, I'm starting to realize that that is an important component that I would like to be part of whatever work I do. I am grateful for the wonderful colleagues who took the time to guide us, to be our friends and to welcome us into the family. I am also grateful to have a boss who genuinely cared about us, who taught us how to survive in the corporate world and how to get things done, and who remains one of the nicest bosses I've ever had. Lastly, I have never been so lucky to have fellow interns who've made my internship experience that much more enjoyable. All the office parties, late night clubbing and lunchtime conversations - I couldn't have asked for a greater group of girls to intern with!

Leaving for a different place and starting over is scary. exciting, no doubt, but terrifying as hell. to once again have to find myself in the crowd of faces and people, to carve out a place for myself, to plant roots and feel like I belong, is no easy task. But just being here has been an amazing experience. It is difficult to untangle  the ball of feelings I have about this place, and to fit them into words. These feelings are at once too big and too subtle, nonetheless, I will try, because they are much too precious to forget and far too nebulous to remember distinctively without writing them down.

I will always remember that sense of awe and disbelief I felt, in that moment when I was walking through the campus and a voice whispered in my ear, "you are here, this is real". Staring at the Gothic architecture around me, I rmb thinking, how lucky I was, how privileged, how I never want to get used to this. of course, in time I inevitably did. Nonetheless, the people I've met, the "all-american" experiences I've had, the classes i've taken, the events I've gone for, basically everything has been strangely different and yet the same. And wonderful, yet stressful, yet familiar, yet new. It's just a mish-mash of feelings really. But I am grateful. It isnt easy, and sometimes I feel like I'm pushing my limits a little too hard, a little too far, but it's been an experience like no other, and I've never felt more alive. 

Lastly, the best part about being on exchange is definitely the travelling. I've travelled to so many places, seen so many things, had so many first times over the last 4 months, it's been incredible (omg can I only speak in hyperboles now?). Quebec & Montreal over fall break, Boston, New York & SF over Thanksgiving, Norway, Miami, New York & Mexico over winter break. I am all travelled out. Maybe someday, I will do a travelogue, writing about the beauty of each place in greater detail. But for now, let me just say that I am grateful to be young, and healthy and to live comfortably enough to make these experiences possible. I am also eternally grateful to all the friends who've been so kind as to offer their company and given me a place to stay. Being far away from home has brought these friendships into stark focus, and I am ever thankful to have all of you in my life. 

Here's to many more years of journeying through this life together, to the quiet conversations when you just get it, to the silent moments when words are superfluous yet not enough. To the fun times and the sad times, to figuring out life's many complexities together. I love you, and I will always be here for you, no matter how far apart we are, for home is where the heart is.

Here's to an amazing 2013. 

♥Sam

What's the point of having my cake if I can't eat it?

It's been a crazy month of traveling and even now, I'm seating at the chihuahua airport waiting to board my flight to Guadalajara.

I can't help thinking that what I want is so often mutually exclusive and in tension with one another. I want to travel and experience things, but I also want to rest and chill and waste my days watching movies in my bed. I want to enjoy the company of a group of friends, but having constantly been in the company of another 24/7 for awhile, part of me wants to just curl up with a book and hot chocolate.

This rushing out and taking the world by its horns is both taking my breath away and making me breathless.

Should I wonder at such contradictions or should I simply take it as yet another unphantomable part of life, and of being human.