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MILES AWAY BY CAROL ANN DUFFY I want you and you are not here. I pause in this garden, breathing the colour thought is before language into still air. Even your name is a pale ghost and, though I exhale it again and again, it will not stay with me. Tonight I make you up, imagine you, your movements clearer than the words I have you say you said before. Wherever you are now, inside my head you fix me with a look, standing here whilst cool late light dissolves into the earth. I have got your mouth wrong, but still it smiles. I hold you closer, miles away, inventing love, until the calls of nightjars interrupt and turn what was to come, was certain, into memory. The stars are filming us for no one.

words to hold on to

it was only a few days ago that i realised that i had a lot going for me. it seems like a strange thing to say, almost like saying, i realised that it is air i've been breathing all this while. but yes, amidst the mundane toils and everyday trials, i often lose sight of what i have as it gets buried under complaints (often exaggerated and overestimated i'm sure) about what i do not have. This recognition brought with it a certain queer sense of satisfaction and peace. it made me realise that a lot of these "troubles" that i have so pointedly held up to myself, matters little in the larger scheme of things.

in the light of this, it therefore annoys me to no end that i still manage to get caught up in life's petty little disagreements. i know how little effect it has on my life as a whole, i know how lowly it ranks amongst the other things i value. and yet.

and yet, it bothers me. it eats at me like a worm that works its way to the core of an apple. it starts at the periphery and i manage to keep it at bay as i think to myself: you know that none of this is going to matter a year from now - 

and yet. it worms its way to the core and takes residence in my heavy heart. sigh.

note to self:

these people do not matter, so focus on the ones who do. hold your paranoia in check and calm the storm brewing in your heart. As much as you feel indignant, this is one fight that is not worth the time or effort. instead, be clam, be composed and ride it out. there is no need to defend yourself to anyone - you are your own counsel, and that is enough. stay close to the ones who love and trust you. 

this too, shall pass.

Maybe I'm amazed at the way you love me all the time
Maybe I'm afraid of the way I love you
Maybe I'm amazed at the way you pulled me out of time
And hung me on a line
Maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you


"Why do people have to be this lonely? What's the point of it all? Millions of people in this world, all of them yearning, looking to others to satisfy them, yet isolating themselves. Why? Was the earth put here just to nourish human loneliness?"
~Haruki Murakami

5 56am

write paper, write paper, please write paper.

all this restless energy keeps me pacing around the room and has reduced my attention span to just about 5 seconds. i want to get up, i sit down; i lie down, i want to run around. I cant seem to settle on any one thing and the paper due on friday looms overhead. i want to write it, i WANT to write it. but i dont seem to want to write it.

my thoughts are all over the place, and how weak i am about all this is starting to bug me. where is the motivation when you need it most?

jetlag? maybe.

but maybe more than that. it's the crazy buzzing that's going on in my head, and the nest of insects crawling in my stomach. any moment now, i'm going to open my mouth, my mind and these little black creepy crawly things that masquerade themselves as thoughts are gonna come spilling out. they will then disappear in a poof of smoke just as i attempt to squish them flat with a rolled up newspaper.

if only i could harness this restless energy into a bottle and use it when motivation comes around, however rare that may be.

energy - motivation = utter waste of space/time

ARGH.