End-of-year reflections get increasingly harder to write. Is this a trend or something unique to 2015, I wonder.
2015 was a whirlwind year. New relationship, new job. Crazy highs, crazy lows. I once said that I'd rather live a life of deep troughs and peaks rather than a neverending straightline; that the highs would always be worth the lows. I wonder if I should rethink that.
I've put off writing this post for awhile now because I usually like the post to take on a more positive note. afterall, another year has gone by, another year of experiences, of friends, of family, of love and that should always be celebrated.
But 2015 was a tough one. A new job, a new relationship. Both tested my resilience in ways I've never been tested before. Each one raised questions that reached to the core of who I was as a person. Do our choices determine who we are, or is it who we are that determines our choices?
I have no answer really.
This year has been filled with wonder and beauty like no other. The moments of pure joy and happiness, when all I felt was the warm embrace of knowing that you love me. When the world fades away, and it comes down to just the two of us - on white sheets, with your head in my lap and me gently stroking your hair as there is a light/fall at your feet plays in the background.
If nothing else, I am grateful for the beautiful memories this relationship had given me. From Bali to Phuket, from Catherine to snowboarding, from the first night we spent together to counting down to New Years. There were also little things that made up the everyday - you telling me that waking up beside me is the best thing in the world, you holding my head in your hands, you doing sth techie for me. From downloading multiple seasons of friends so that I would have sth to occupy me when you're busy working, to letting me choose the food when we go out. These things big and small have made me incredibly happy and I will always be thankful for that.
If nothing else, I am grateful for the beautiful memories this relationship had given me. From Bali to Phuket, from Catherine to snowboarding, from the first night we spent together to counting down to New Years. There were also little things that made up the everyday - you telling me that waking up beside me is the best thing in the world, you holding my head in your hands, you doing sth techie for me. From downloading multiple seasons of friends so that I would have sth to occupy me when you're busy working, to letting me choose the food when we go out. These things big and small have made me incredibly happy and I will always be thankful for that.
This year has also been filled with heartbreak and pain like no other. In the moments in which you've failed to love me, to the moments you have deliberately hurt me - be it out of insecurity or spite. From your temper to your unfaithfulness, from your defensiveness to your lack of empathy. From the moments when you've made me feel small, to the moments when I've felt like I was drowning and so alone. From the moments when I've felt betrayed to the moments when I've felt abandoned by the very person who should have been there for me. It's been tough. The desire to hold your hand through it all and the doubt that people can change wage war in my heart over and over again. But things repeat and we're having the same fights. The pain lingers and creates scars that never go away; scars that ache in the times when hope turns on itself.
And beneath it all, the constant question of, is it me? You had your bad points, your weaknesses, your temper, your issues.
But was it also my inability to ask for help and to communicate my needs? My difficulty in talking about the things that are killing me, until it feels like I'm about to break down (and suddenly it becomes a matter that needs to be resolved immediately)?
Could I have been more understanding? Kinder, gentler, more compassionate?
Could I have been more appreciative? More encouraging? More grateful?
These questions are going to haunt me for awhile.
These questions are going to haunt me for awhile.
But life will go on as it always does. Maybe these questions have no answers and the value is in the asking. It's amazing how fast these things happen, one moment we were talking about attending weddings together, five hours later, we were done. I feel a little lost, as the end of something upon which I've come to build hope and dreams can often make one feel.
Nonetheless, this too shall pass. And at the end of the day I think I deserve someone who wants be in the battle fields with me, who is willing to stand by my side, hold my hand when I am scared, and support me through various things, just as I will for him. Above all, I deserve someone who will be faithful to me and committed to the relationship, no matter how hard it gets - no exceptions or excuses. Life is hard, and we're just looking for someone with whom life is a little easier, brighter, and more meaningful. I still remember when we first started dating and it felt like that - the joy of each other's company and the soft comfort in knowing the other person is there. It hasn't felt that way in a while, and I think we both deserve to rediscover that feeling again. We're far from perfect and maybe it's time that we both do a little more growing, albeit separately. I believe that despite everything, we truly loved each other and I wish you all the best.
In the meantime, maybe I'll stay single for awhile, just focus on myself for a bit. There are skills I would like to pick up (like cooking! Should start putting all those videos to good use), and parts of me I want to delve deeper into. There are ways in which I want to be better as a person, and darker sides of me I want to learn to manage on my own.
And someday, if it happens it happens, it's all up to the universe now.
Nonetheless, this too shall pass. And at the end of the day I think I deserve someone who wants be in the battle fields with me, who is willing to stand by my side, hold my hand when I am scared, and support me through various things, just as I will for him. Above all, I deserve someone who will be faithful to me and committed to the relationship, no matter how hard it gets - no exceptions or excuses. Life is hard, and we're just looking for someone with whom life is a little easier, brighter, and more meaningful. I still remember when we first started dating and it felt like that - the joy of each other's company and the soft comfort in knowing the other person is there. It hasn't felt that way in a while, and I think we both deserve to rediscover that feeling again. We're far from perfect and maybe it's time that we both do a little more growing, albeit separately. I believe that despite everything, we truly loved each other and I wish you all the best.
In the meantime, maybe I'll stay single for awhile, just focus on myself for a bit. There are skills I would like to pick up (like cooking! Should start putting all those videos to good use), and parts of me I want to delve deeper into. There are ways in which I want to be better as a person, and darker sides of me I want to learn to manage on my own.
And someday, if it happens it happens, it's all up to the universe now.
