sometimes we think that things are replaceable.
we think that certain experiences, relationships or feelings can be found in other places.

we go in search of them.
we try to recreate the feelings we had in a moment that's long gone.
we try to replace the significance of one, with the significance of another.
we try and pretend that by doing the same things, we can get back what we once had.

but i'm slowly learning that everything that happens is a unique experience all on its own. we cannot bring back the past, or find exactly what we had in something new. Just like how i could not find the same sense of belonging i had in eds dance simply by joining another CCA; or recreate that moment of serenity sitting there listening to the most beautiful voice simply by going back a few years later; I cannot replace my relationship with you simply by loving another.

I dont think i've ever fully appreciated how unique my experiences or relationships with people are until now. I think oftentimes, we're busy trying to use sth new to replace sth we've lost that we dont realise that what we had isnt substitutable. We end up wondering why this sth new isnt like that sth old and we feel like something's missing. along the way, we undervalue our past experiences and fail to fully appreciate what we currently have.

but now i realise that there are so many factors that go into making things the way they are that we cannot possibly try to recreate them. everything that has happened in the past plays a part in making me who i am today, and every relationship i've formed along the way plays a different role in my life. i cannot replace, recreate or substitute any one of them with another, but have to appreciate them in their uniqueness and entirety.

so, i guess the only thing left to say is:
i miss you, all of you,
dont go too far yeah?


21/03/10

we are not islands

the most commonly told lie is
"i'm fine"
and sometimes, we say it even without words.

we say it with the anger that is really just a clever disguise for hurt.
we say it, when we turn that other miserable day into a hilarious joke told over drinks, coffee or icecream, cos it was "so funny".
we say it when we tell ourselves we dont care, and learn to be indifferent
we say it when we pick up the phone - in our most troubled moments,
or in our loneliest - and put on our breeziest voices to say "oh so erm, we're going kite flying this sunday?"

sometimes we just say it with silence, living as life goes on, pretending nothing happened.

whatever the case, we say it cos we're too scared, or too proud, or just too unwilling to appear weaker than the other. because we dont want to appear selfish, or appear to care too much.
because it's more important to live up to the image of invulnerability (that we created) that no one told us was in-human.

we think that showing hurt, worry, jealousy, fear, happiness or unhappiness gives the other person a clutch with which they can hold us ransom.
for if they knew what hurt us, they can do it again,
if they knew they made us worry or jealous, they would know we cared that much
if they knew what made us happy, they could take it away

we think that self sufficiency makes us strong,
we pretend to fear less, and feel less than we actually do,
because we fear, more than anything else, of being vulnerable.

on another note,
i am sorry.

i think we try so hard to solve each other's problems,
or find the right words to say in comfort,
or give advice,

that we forget:
that sometimes we just need to know that someone understands,
that someone shares what seems like this crazy world of one.

cos the greatest comfort is in that moment:

as you fumble to find the right words to explain,

something lights up in the other person's eyes

a certain sense of "oh you too?"

and suddenly you realise that you're not alone in this.

i'm sorry i couldnt do that at that time.

i guess, to some extent, it still freaks me out how similar we actually are.

1/3/10