How is anyone ever going to love you unconditionally if you insist on hiding away the parts of yourself you don't like?

[Edit: on the other hand, you don't need someone to tell you that you're not too broken to be loved. You aren't. Broken people deserve love too, you deserve love. And you don't need anyone, and especially not a guy, to tell you that for it to be true.]

***

because each and every one of us are flawed.

because we all fear that in our bare nakedness
we will not be good enough, or deserving of others' love
because we are all afraid that the skeletons in our closet,
and the truths locked up in the back of our minds
will always be too great, too dark, too much to be accepted.

so we hide parts of ourselves away,
build walls we convince ourselves we cant live without,
yet deep down knowing we cant live within forever.
but there's beauty in imperfection,
and one day, i hope to take courage in who i am;
to stand in truth and infinite faith,
because only then,

can i be loved unconditionally,
in all my imperfections.

love, and be loved.


14.06.08

Kintsugi

maybe I'll never lose the feeling of brokenness, the feeling that there is something innately wrong with me. but maybe that's not the point. 

maybe the point isn't to fix myself, maybe it's to learn to be ok with all the cracks in my soul and the faultlines running through my heart. 

maybe it's learning to give myself permission to cry, without haste or judgement. to allow myself to be sad without reason. 

maybe what I need is to learn to give myself unconditional positive regard. 

Letters to self

#throwbacktopurejoy

you were vulnerable and loving, giving and understanding. and the fact that you are all that is far more important than any outcome. I'm proud of how far you've come. 

the chips will fall where they may, and there is joy in seeing what happens. ultimately how worthy you are of love doesn't depend on whether others recognise it or not. 

so hold on to yourself and who you are. you are more than enough.  

The courage in facing your fears

You did a brave thing this week, you wrote a piece that you were afraid of writing and took a first step in putting it out there in the world. And it was hard and you stopped many times but you never gave up and you finished it. and you should be so proud of yourself for that.

is it perfect? no. can it be improved? sure. 

but perhaps one of the lessons to learn is also that you can't expect yourself to be perfect on your first try. and that the best thing about doing something you're afraid of and putting yourself out there is that you get the chance to improve and get better at something that is important to you.

So enjoy the sense of achievement, and let it continue to motivate you to get better at writing and to find your voice and be less afraid of taking a stance in this world. 

A love for all seasons

Fall

As we venture deeper into fall, the weather is getting colder and all I want to do is run off to a cabin in the woods; make fall foods - a hearty steak with roasted pumpkin and sauteed mushrooms, french onion soup and dark red wine. We'll eat and drink and soak in the warmth of the fireplace; share secrets and kisses and fall asleep in the heat of cozy blankets and each other. 

Winter

Let's run away to a place, where magic happens and the trees lead us to Narnia. And as the smoke rises from the chimney, we'll wear woolen socks and ugly sweaters; warm our hearts with love and fingers with hot cider. I want to dance with you to the cheesiest christmas songs, as the twinkling lights wink their approval. Make snow angels and have the fiercest snowball fights until our cheeks are flushed and kiss you so close I can see the flakes in your eyelashes. Hand in hand, we'll fall into each other, laughing, laughing, laughing. 

Spring

I want to run through sunflower fields with you. Have sex on rooftops, under the stars as we watch the city come to life again as the season turns and the warmth returns. I want to run through spring showers with you, and make love to you in the shower after. 

Summer

I want to swim with you in every body of water, dive into the depths of your skin, your lips, your eyes. dance around a bonfire, on the longest midsummer night, sending wishes with the sparks into the sky. We'll picnic in the sun; make jam from the berries in our orchards and fresh juice from the peaches. 

normal people

watching normal people is a tearful, moving reminder that true vulnerability and care is what makes love, love. 

dating in your late twenties is strangely different from dating in your early twenties or teenage years. by this time you would have gone through several relationships - the euphoria of falling in love is no longer new and your heart now has scar tissue from heartbreak that wasn't there before. You approach the excitement of the early dating days with more skepticism, as if to say, I've been here before, I know how this story ends, and it certainly hasn't ended with a happily ever after. 

with experience comes more clarity about what you want or don't want, but also less patience for getting to know and investing in someone. you want to know the ending before the story begins, to know if this particular book is worth reading. 

but life has a funny way of teaching you lessons, repeatedly if need be, in countless ways. and the lesson I keep coming back to is this: the kind of love I want takes time. I want the kind of love that is filled with tenderness and intimacy, that comes from knowing each other, and a shared history. that comes simply, from having been there for each other time and again. the fact that both of you have made it through the passage of time intact, battered but whole, is what it comes down to. that through time and space, you have chosen to show up, and stay and be a part of each other's lives. 

you are ok, no one is going to leave you unless you leave them first. so take a deep breath and still your heart. be patient with yourself and the people you are only starting to get to know. 

take it slow. you will be ok. 

the overwhelming confusion of being (draft 1)

 

I just finished binge watching both seasons of Fleabag, the comedy-drama series written by and starring Phoebe Waller-Bridge. And boy, I did not expect all the feels. It was raw and fresh, edgy and unexpected, yet somehow surprisingly relatable. So many spectacular moments, but the one that stuck out to me most was when Phoebe's character, the titular Fleabag says,

"I want someone to tell me what to wear in the morning. I want someone to tell me what to wear every morning. I want someone to tell me what to eat. What to like, what to hate, what to rage about, what to listen to, what band to like, what to buy tickets for, what to joke about, what not to joke about. I want someone to tell me what to believe in, who to vote for, who to love and how to tell them. I just think I want someone to tell me how to live my life, because so far I think I’ve been getting it wrong."

To say that 2020 is a difficult year would be an understatement, but more than it being difficult, the year also brought to the surface a multitude of complex issues that we as individuals and as a society have to confront and figure out where we stand. To mask or not to mask? Should we support the lockdown or do we need to reopen the economy? Should people have the right to say what they think without being censured or is "cancelling" someone for their views a legitimate tool for positive social change? Should the police be defunded? Is looting a legitimate form of political protesting? Is the use of violence in a fight for racial justice legitimate? Should schools actively take in students on the basis of racial diversity or purely on merit? Is there even such a thing as being purely meritocratic? Who do I trust to tell the truth? How do I know what is real? Beyond all of that, what should I do? What can I do?

None of this is easy and everything feels overwhelming, especially if you are like me and are driven to try and understand multiple sides of an issue. How do I take a strong stance against racial injustice, while also having compassion and empathy for the discomfort that privileged (white) communities are feeling as they too navigate this complex issue. I strongly believe that disengaging and renouncing people does nothing for the cause and only pushes people further into their beliefs but sometimes I am afraid that in being willing and interested to have these conversations, and perhaps attempt to bridge the political divide, I am not taking a strong enough stance against injustice.

Social and political issues aside, life also comes with a myriad of complex decisions and situations, from deciding if I should go with the more effective ant-eradication method of leaving ant traps everywhere or the more humane but trickier method of co-existing and not leaving food out, to figuring out how to navigate adult relationships in a way that is fair to both me and the other person.

It's no wonder that sometimes we just want to be told what to do, how to think and what to believe in. Because trying to figure out coherent, meaningful (or any) answers to these questions is exhausting. Especially in a society where we're constantly made to feel like there are a thousand and one ways we get it wrong, all the time.

I want to say I have it figured out, but in all honesty I really don't. And everyday is a journey of taking a step and learning, moving forward and course-correcting. Perhaps the kindest thing we can do for ourselves and everyone else is to have the courage to take a stance anyway even amidst the confusion, but to also have the humility to change our minds when we discover we are wrong and to give others the space to do the same. 

I'm finally letting you go.

 All the ways that you were wrong for me:

i. You wanted to vote for Trump

ii. you bordered on being sexist and believed that it was the woman's role to look after the family while you worked and I'm not sure if you would have been a partner at home, or the most supportive of my career. 

iii. you did not care about minority rights and could sometimes be racist

iv. you were sometimes judgmental and condescending. you could be closed-minded and found it hard to consider a viewpoint different from your own as valid.

v. you were argumentative and needed to be right a lot of the time

vi. you believed in crazy conspiracy theories and that we were constantly in an existential crisis which was sometimes tiring to be around

vii. you thought that I was too strong-willed

viii. you probably would not have wanted to move to Singapore (even for a few years)

ix. you held others to a higher standard than you held yourself

x. you left the moment our relationship became inconvenient for you.

Self-acceptance

i.  I accept that I am weird. Different. Strange. 

ii. I accept that I see the world unlike any other

iii. I accept that I am always going to feel a little broken

iv. I accept that self-love is an everyday ongoing struggle

v. I accept that there will be easy days and hard days

vi. I accept that sometimes life will feel unbearable. 

vii. I accept that no one is going to fully understand who I am

viii. I accept that no one is going to love me perfectly

ix. I accept that I am not going to be able to love someone else perfectly either

x. I accept that I will fall short

and that's ok.

 I give you full permission to be weird. 

Living the dream

Amidst the humdrum of the everyday, I forget that living the dream doesn't always look glamorous and easy. Yes, sometimes it looks like sipping wine on the terrace overlooking a vineyard, or having a PB&J sandwich in front of the most perfect sunrise. If you're really lucky, living your dream will look like everything you ever wanted and more than you could have ever imagined.

But sometimes living the dream is setting off the fire alarm as you try and make dill butter pan seared salmon. Sometimes it looks like separating the recycling because you live in an environmentally conscious community. other times living the dream looks like buying yourself sunflowers so that your living room feels a bit more like home, and because you cant always be waiting for someone to buy them for you; and sometimes it's asking yourself the difficult questions over and over again in hopes of finally arriving at an answer that feels true to you. 

Sometimes living the dream looks like quiet friday nights in and transnational calls in the desperate hope not to be forgotten. sometimes it looks like missing people and missing out, and accepting that you can't have everything. sometimes living your dream looks like the heartache of being nine thousand miles away from the people closest to you.

But in the midst of it all, never lose sight of the thousand small ways these come together to form the dream. Nobody ever said that chasing your dreams will be easy, only that it'll be worth it. So recognize that you are living the dream, right here, right now. And it's never going to be perfect, but never let the things you want make you forget the things you have.

 To recognise in each other the humanity that we feel so deeply within ourselves. 

Friday nights

As long as you can turn on the music and dance wildly around in your living room, 

you will be ok. 

Everything will be ok. 

Anatomy of a home

In the silence of my heart comes a slow and hesitant recognition that I seek a sense of belonging and security, a feeling that can only be encapsulated by the idea of home. 

There are so many definitions of home: 

Home is the abiding place of the affections

Home is the center or heart of something

Sometimes I think that this lack in me comes from my childhood experiences, born out of mum's criticalness and dad's volatility. But be that as it may, blaming my parents for all the ways in which I feel broken has an expiry date, and ultimately if I want anything to change, it is up to me to figure out how. 

So as I build a bridge in this world, to cross this everflowing, never knowing river of life, I need to build a home of my own making, where I can feel safe and like I belong. and perhaps the first step is figuring out for myself what home means to me.  

i. Home is where I can peel off the layers I've wrapped myself in all day. Like the shoes I discard, it is where I can shed should-be's, have-to's and expectations as I walk through the door. 

ii. Home is where I will always be enough. 

iii. Home is comfort, peace, serenity.

iv. Home is safety & security. 

v. Home is a sense of belonging, an acceptance in knowing I have the right to be here.

vi. Home is mine. It is a return to myself. It is a little corner of this crowded earth I get to call my own.

and perhaps the most important lesson of all is that I can't build a home that is truly mine unless I get to know myself better. so a challenge to myself is this: get to know yourself the way you wish a lover would. Understand the things you like and dislike, what brings you joy and what takes it away. Constantly ask yourself, how does this make you feel, what is your truth? In the midst all the noise and confusion, figure out where you stand, find your voice and gain clarity on how you are choosing to move through this world. Get to know and appreciate the truly special things about you that make you unique and whole. above all, treat yourself with as much generosity and care as a lover would. because you deserve it, and because you already are everything you need and want to be. 

6000 years

Rilke on love

I hold this to be the highest task of a bond between two people: that each should stand guard over the solitude of the other.

I thought i was afraid of being alone. But as I delved deeper into myself, I'm starting to realize that actually no, I'm not afraid of being alone. I have great friends and a multitude of things I'm interested in and no lack of things to keep me occupied. I dont lack people to do things with, or someone to rely on.

Yes, sometimes when the world feels hard, and life gets you down, it's hard not to want someone to hold you and tell you that everything will be ok. It's hard not wanting someone to keep you safe.

But if i was being honest with myself, my initial desire to get into something new, was less about being afraid of being alone and more about no longer wanting to feel the pain of missing you. Part of me believed that if I fell in love with someone else, I can finally fall out of love with you.

But when every guy I spend time with just makes me miss you more, I am finally coming to accept that there is no easy way around the grief except to just be still and sit with it.

So here are words for the moment, from one of my favourite movies of all time:

Perlman: You are too smart not to know how rare, how special what you two had was.

When you least expect it, Nature has cunning ways of finding our weakest spot. Just remember: I am here. Right now you may not want to feel anything. Perhaps you never wished to feel anything. And perhaps it's not to me that you'll want to speak about these things. But feel something you obviously did. You had a beautiful friendship. Maybe more than a friendship. And I envy you. In my place, most parents would hope the whole thing goes away, to pray that their sons land on their feet. But I am not such a parent. We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster, that we go bankrupt by the age of thirty and have less to offer each time we start with someone new. But to make yourself feel nothing so as to not feel anything - what a waste!

How you live your life is your business. Remember, our hearts and bodies are given to us only once. And before you know it, your heart is worn out, and as for your body, there comes a point when no one looks at it, much less wants to come near it. Right now there's sorrow. Pain. Don't kill it and with it the joy you've felt.

***

So I will wait, and revel in the joy that is my own company. And in the solitude, I will continue to converse with my heart; to comfort it, and to strengthen it. so that when I am ready, I will have more, not less to offer the next time I start with someone new. When that time comes, I hope that I will learn to wear my heart on my sleeve, with bravery and pride; in honesty and authenticity, knowing that there is joy in telling people just how much they mean to you.

The real summer goals

The previous list is a great one, full of excitement and novelty, and I'm sure achieving them will come with much satisfaction and joy. But if I was being truly honest, these are the real summer goals.

1. Learn to be comfortable being alone. Learn to be kind to your own heart instead of jumping from one guy to the next. learn to be whole and fulfilled on your own.

2. Give yourself space and time to get over him. be gentle with yourself and accept that nth is going to heal heartbreak like time and distance. At the same time, be brave enough to let him go. You cannot keep holding on to what once was or what might have been. Seek not to replace him but have faith that you will eventually find someone who you will love, who will love you. and you will go on to write a completely new story together that is unique to both of you and that is wholly and truly yours.

3. Learn to build a life you won't want to keep running from. Learn to appreciate the everyday ordinary, the mundane sublimity. learn to be satisfied; learn to be happy.

4. Start working towards your dream. it starts with the little things, the brave act of stepping out; the realization that there will be no perfect time, so now is as good as any. have courage, take heart.

5. Build a life that will nourish you in all its shapes and forms. It means having a balanced, healthy diet, a regular exercise regime and maintaining some order in your physical spaces. Learn what restores your spirit and what gives you peace, no matter what else is going on in the world. Learn to make where you are, home.

You are adventurous and I have no doubt that this summer you will take life by its horns and ride high and breathless on its back. But this summer is also the time to dig deep within yourself and find peace and restoration.

Summer goals

Skills & Hobbies:

1. Journal more 

2. Plan writing retreat

3. Bake cream cheese blueberry muffins

4. Make cheesecake

5. Paint more

6. Hike more

7. Exercise at least three times a week

8. Experiment with cooking

9. Go camping - check

10. Make jam

11. Make ice cream

12. Read (refer to list)

13. Mizayaki Marathon

14. Try WOOFing on a organic farm

15. Learn how to ride a motorbike

Travel Goals:

1. Lassen + Burney Falls - Check

2. Yellowstone + Grand teton

3. Crater Lake + Mt Rainer

4. Stay in a mountain lookout tower

5. Go swimming (in lakes, in waterfalls, in the ocean)

6. Set off fireworks on the beach

7. Bonfire!

Absence is a large presence

the heart that hurts so achingly, tells of a love so deeply felt. and we love because we can, because otherwise we are merely corpses driven to animation. and that heart that's breaking into a million pieces now is what keeps us alive.

so be proud, of that beautiful beating heart. that it can still feel, at once so full of hope and anticipation, yet stronger than anything life can possibly throw at you. for it is your heart the size of Arizona that makes you who you are. And never, ever apologise or feel bad for that.

Someday, someone is going to fall in love with every inch of that boundless heart of yours. And you deserve to hold out for that.

Saudade

There aren't enough words in the dictionary to describe all the ways I miss you. I miss you with the ache in my heart and the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I miss curling up in your arms, and laying my head down on your chest. I miss the way you kiss my forehead when we're in bed together and the way you make everything feel better. I miss your presence, I miss your words, I miss your comfort. I miss everything and all of it.

Above all, I miss just talking to you. 

curiosity. investment. uncertainty.

Lovers and madmen have such seething brains, 

Such shaping fantasies, that apprehend 

More than cool reason ever comprehends. 

The lunatic, the lover and the poet 

Are of imagination all compact.  

- Midsummer Night's Dream, Act 5, Scene 1 

Love is merely a madness and, I tell you,  

deserves as well a dark house and a whip as madmen do,  

and the reason why they are not so punished and cured  

is that the lunacy is so ordinary that the whippers are in love, too.  

- As You Like It, Act 3, Scene 2. 

One of the most harmful stories I've told myself is that I am easy to fall for, but hard to love.

It is a story built on the way past men have started off passionate and adoring only to become distant or indifferent over the course of the relationship. It is built on all the ways lovers have tried to change me, or brought up things they wished were different about me. And whenever that happened, I told myself, oh he must have fallen for an idea of me, and now that he's had time to truly get to know me, he sees how flawed and unlovable I really am.

That is complete bullshit, and that story stops today.

People didn't become distant and indifferent because they saw something they didn't like. They became distant and indifferent because I had convinced myself that there was something in me that was so unlovable, and in my fear of losing them, have tried to comport myself into what I thought they wanted.

I have since realized that I am actually most myself at the start of getting to know someone, because at that stage I'm not emotionally invested yet and have nothing to lose, which gives me the freedom to be 100%, unapologetically me.

and it's been most empowering to realize that that was the person they fell in love with. and so I do a great disservice to myself when I hide away all the things that make me unique in favor of fulfilling someone else's checklist.

Because the reality is, no one falls in love based on a checklist. Love is an irrational, intensely emotional experience. It is the willingness to overlook someone's flaws to commit yourself and your life to them, without ever truly knowing who they are or what might come. It is the willingness to tie your boat to someone else's sail in a sea that has as much potential for clear skies as it does for tumultuous storms. and that surely, defies all logic.

And when you try to comport yourself to someone else's notion of perfection, you tell yourself and them that who you are is not enough. So why are you then surprised when they think they can find someone better?

So no, that ends today. You are perfect just the way you are, they fell in love with you just the way you are. And you are such a magical, wonderful, complex, interesting being that it is they who should be curious to know everything about you. It is they who need to invest in the relationship and earn your love. It is they who need to learn to live with the inevitable uncertainty that is life, the future and everything to come, and find within them the power and commitment to stay in the face of it all.

So hold out for the person who looks at you like you're magic and believes with their whole heart that you are the only person they could ever be with, whether you've been together a day, a month, a year or a lifetime. 

Letters to myself

oh sweetheart, I know it sucks. and it hurts. but you also know that it's the right thing to do for you in the long term.

if it's meant to be it will, and if not, he will just be another page in your story and another lesson learnt.

speaking to the past - 2019

I really wished I had written my end of year reflections for 2019 in January before everything went down. It feels a little strange to be going back and trying to remember where I was emotionally and psychologically in what feels like a different space and time. Nonetheless, I am realizing the power in documenting my life's different milestones and moments, so that I may look back and connect with everything that makes me who I am.

2019 was a year of change. I started the year in Korea, scaling snow covered Odaesan and Seoraksan, and ending up staying in an art museum along the coast. Hong Kong with the girls before the riots started. looking back at the pictures, I was surprised at how there was no way to tell what would come. Surabaya, Bali, Phuket were beautiful. South Africa was life changing, especially in the way I understood animals, Africa and holidays.

I started a new job, and started grad school. As I get older choices feel like they come at greater opportunity costs, but the excitement and peace comes from knowing that I am taking steps to build a life that is truly mine.

2019 was a tough year. I struggled with starting over in a new place, trying to build connections and a support network when classes were kicking my ass, I was struggling with disillusionment and my relationship was fast falling apart. Over and over again, I couldn't escape the feeling that I just wasn't good enough.

But if there is one thing I've learnt it's that I am one tough cookie. When the world pushes down on me, I push back. And from the darkest abyss, I will rise renewed, for no one's love can replace the love I need to have for myself. So it's been a slow but useful lesson in how to hold myself with tenderness and care, even when it's hard, especially when it's painful.

Coming back to the US has been an interesting experience. I am in shock at how different this country is from when I last left it. There is a hardness to it that I hadn't noticed before, which I'm learning to navigate still. Nonetheless, the proximity to nature and the amount of wide open spaces here makes me feel more free and alive than anywhere else.

2019 was also a year of thinking more deeply about my long term plans and the kind of future I want. Can I have everything I ever wanted? What does that look like? What does it mean to not feel like I belong anywhere? Does moving away make that better or worse? Can I truly build a life here if my closest friends and family are back home? Do I really want to settle down in Singapore long term? I will take with me many big questions and very few answers into the new year.

But in the midst of everything, there are big mercies for which I have immense gratitude. I am ever thankful for friends and family. They keep me grounded and remind me that I am loved. The distance is hard, but I have faith that we will find new ways to be there for each other.

2019 was a transition year, transition to what I'm not sure yet. I get the sense that my journey of discovery has just begun, and so it is with some trepidation and much excitement that I welcome the new year!

to be gentled

The Little Prince is sad. He has left his planet and the rose he cared for. Now on Earth, he is devastated to find there are thousands of roses, when he thought his was unique.
He meets a strange, pretty animal that greets him from under an apple tree. It is a fox.
The Little Prince asks the fox to play with him. Fox tells him, "I cannot play with you because I have not been tamed."
The Little Prince does not know the meaning of this word "tamed".

Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

The critical word "tamed" is a correct, but imperfect, translation of Saint-Exupéry's original term apprivoisé. In French, “to tame” an animal (or person) in the sense of making them submissive is dompter; to turn something wild into a domesticated being is domestiquer. 

Apprivoiser has a different lilt. In early medieval French usage, it means to make something  less savage (but not domesticated), to make something alien more familiar. For the poet-prince Charles d’Orléans, apprivoiser is to make someone gentler, softer, more tractable. The fox tells the Little Prince that the way to bring this about is créer liens, to make links or ties.

Synonyms for apprivoisier might include “to gentle” or “to befriend”. As the fox uses the word, it is about establishing the kind of connection that will make your relationship unique.  He means something like "captivate me", "bind yourself to me" or  "make me yours". It's a loving expression and it conveys the idea of creating a link or a bond between two people, or between a person and a creature. Once gentled (apprivoisé) the fox is no longer one of a thousand foxes that hunt chickens and are pursued by hunters; he is your special friend. Once a rose has befriended you, it is no longer one of a hundred thousand roses; it is your rose. 

“Here is my secret,” the fox, befriended, says to the Little Prince. “It is very simple. You can only see clearly with the heart. The essential is invisible to the eyes."
Fox has two more secrets, all of them things that humans have forgotten.
“It is the time you lost for the sake of the rose that made the rose so important.”
Then, never to be forgotten: Tu deviens responsible pour toujours de ce que tu as apprivoisé. “You are responsible, forever, for everything you have gentled. You are responsible for your rose.”

http://mossdreams.blogspot.com/2014/11/the-price-of-foxs-secret.html#:~:text=For%20the%20poet%2Dprince%20Charles,%E2%80%9D%20or%20%E2%80%9Cto%20befriend%E2%80%9D.

Song to Self 51 - Democratic imagining

Afterword

The air has turned colder, and the leaves on the oaks are yellowing. A friend once showed me a maple leaf with red veins radiating from its stem, like a blush spreading across someone’s face, and said, “If you can’t write poems in autumn, you’re not a poet.” Season of contradictions: the orange blaze of pumpkins in a patch of spent stalks; a farmer sowing winter wheat; a basket of tulip bulbs ready for planting. Death and renewal: these are the double doors through which we pass again and again, according to Whitman, inscribed and inscribing.

“Song of Myself” begins with a declaration of equality, at the atomic level, and the poet’s pledge to “speak at every hazard,” readying us for a journey propelled by the original unchecked energy of Nature, which will carry us beyond the trappings of “Creeds and schools.” Now as we near the end of our journey Whitman invites us to walk with him into all the contradictions of the wider world—which contend within his own soul: the democratic imagination.

How to square two ideas—contradiction as “a lever of transcendence” (Simone Weil) and as a function of the multitudes contained within each individual? Both are true, Whitman would argue: the self, like democracy, is inherently contradictory, since it is made up of the dreams and ideas and passions of everyone who has ever lived, our bodies and souls being a compound of men and women, hunters and gatherers, slaves and slave masters, the brilliant and the cruel, the living and the dead, all jostling for our attention. Their voices—contradictory, inspiring, buried sometimes so deep in our imagination that they remain muffled—can be a source of transcendent meaning, providing that we obey our better angels. Czeslaw Milosz warns poets to “hope/ that good spirits, not evil ones, choose us for their instrument.” What pain those voices clamoring inside us can cause! My heart tells me to do one thing, my head, another, as the song goes.

To counter death, the poet must find a form capacious enough to embody the essential contradiction of life: that from the moment of birth we begin to die. This terrifying fact is for Whitman a form of saving knowledge—a blessing bestowed anew by his spiritual descendant, A. R. Ammons, whose most famous poem, “Corsons Inlet,” concludes with the four-fold realization that “Scope eludes my grasp, that there is no finality of vision,/ that I have perceived nothing completely,/ that tomorrow a new walk is a new walk.”

Shall we go for a walk? Here are the lights of the city in which we first strolled together, here is the river where the boats rocked in the dark water, and here you are in all your finery.

https://iwp.uiowa.edu/whitmanweb/en/writings/song-of-myself/section-51

elle m’a apprivoisé

This thing between you and me? It's simple.

I exist in multitudes.

I am soft like rain - yielding, molding around you, accommodating. Like the warmth of summer, I am affectionate, compassionate, patient. I am the fragile rib to your hard spine, I will lean on you for strength and comfort. You will keep me safe and I will follow your lead, as you strive to do what's best for us.

In equal measure, I possess the force of the ocean - strong-willed, relentless, independent. Beneath the velvet glove exists an iron fist, I am argumentative, and occasionally competitive. Anyone who tries to tame the sea suffers a fool's errand, so why would you ever try to tame me?

I am a dreamer - childlike and playful, sometimes klutzy, and more than occasionally silly. I feel everything intensely. I see the world in possibilities, imagining other realities. They say my head is in the clouds, but the view is beautiful from up here, so why should I come down?

But I also have my feet planted firmly on the ground, I am highly competent and incredibly effective. Objective, logical, perceptive. I am the person people go to to get shit done. I will chart you a path from the earth to the stars.

I will be your biggest cheerleader and your most trusty confidante. I will support you in all your endeavors and bring life to your dreams. The probability of separate worlds meeting is very small, but I will cross seas for you to land on your shores. And when I've explored these rich lands, you will know, that I see and appreciate you for all that you are.

But I will also challenge you and be every devil's advocate. Push you out of your comfort zone, and make the ground beneath your feet shake. I will question all your assumptions, and interrogate your beliefs. I will be a mirror and a looking glass, are you ready to traverse the world in reverse?

I value family as much as I value work. For in my quest to make the world a better place, creating lasting, positive impact is the flip side of the same coin as raising my kids to be kind, good and happy people.

I am a mix of contradictions, a pendulum of polarities. above all, I chart my own path always. I give a lot but I also ask for a lot. I am not for everybody and that's ok. But if you can see me for everything that I am, and love me all the more for it, I promise you, I will be the best decision you ever made.

strong-willed

 adjective

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: very determined to do something even if other people say it should not be done

[ strawng-wild, strong- ]

adjective

having a powerful will; resolute.

stubborn; obstinate.

Strong-willed. Strawng-Wild. Strength. 

The strength of my will is the only reason why I am here today. It is how I have achieved what many others have said is impossible. It is the driving force behind my can-do spirit, and it's how I get shit done. 

My strong will is why I get to chart my own path instead of following set scripts. It is how I've had the conviction to do impact and impactful work; to move across the world and build a life that is wholly mine. 

The well of strength behind my will is rooted in my deep love for people and the conviction of my beliefs. It is what gives me hope in a seemingly hopeless world, and faith in humanity despite evidence to the contrary. It is what gives me resilience in the face of adversity, and how I grow through strife.  

So yes, I am the coursing river. I am a fucking force of nature. I am most definitely strong-willed. 

It is a beautiful world

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars
you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding
as it should.

In that moment, time slowed down,
and the waves whispered to me,
take your time to cry.
to feel everything you've bottled up and pushed down for so long,
you have time here.

In that moment, I cried
Like the waves that crashed relentless upon the shore,
I cried for the profound beauty of my world
and for the unbearable sadness of how lonely I feel in it.

I looked at the birds flying overhead, yearning to be free
what if I didn't have to be human for awhile?
What if I could melt into the waves, and not feel the weight of my humanity.

The waves whispered, tell him.
Show him your world,
bring him in. 

Do you not see how beautiful the world is?
How can I make you see?

Coastal sunsets & Bohemian buses

i. We watched the sun disappear below the horizon, as the wind whipped my dress and hair all around us. You held me close, your body a shield against the cold, as I sneaked my hand under your shirt, thawing it against the warm skin in the small of your back.

ii. We lay on the roof of the bus staring up at the galaxy, pointing out constellations and shooting stars. Wondering out loud how vast the universe is and how small we are. Huddled under blankets, my head on your chest, we were warmed by the kisses and the tequila.

iii. We swam in ice cold lakes, and hiked through the woods; 

wondering if we could escape to another world if we just climbed high enough. 

We chased otters and splashed in waterfalls, breathing in giant trees reaching out to the skies

iv. We danced, we played, we roasted marshmallows at the fire you built. And in that little space we get to call ours for a while, I lay in your lap sharing my dreams with you as you stroked my hair and told me to be brave. 

v. Every time you reached for my hand as we drove down winding roads, or wrapped me in your embrace as I curled up in pain, the world around me felt more solid, as if I've found my place on earth. In your tenderness and care, you make everything better. and if I could, I would have made that moment last forever.

you gave me memories to last a lifetime and made me feel safe in an unsafe time. 

and in that space between now and infinity, lying in your arms and listening to the waves, 

I fell in love with you

I hope sunsets will always make you think of me.

Day 14 of Self Isolation

Today's the last day of self-isolation - how fast the last 2 weeks have flown!

For all the trepidation and anxiousness I had around being alone and confined to a single space, the actual experience was far more pleasant and less isolating than I had expected.

A big thank you to everyone who've sent a text or checked in on me, and the friends who've shown me what family means nine thousand miles away from home. Toni, Rehana, Tom, Adriana, Melanie, Ben, Mish and Su, thank you for coming by for through-the-fence chats, for dropping off food and precious comforts and for the heartwarming and soul-saving calls. Know that my heart is filled with so much appreciation for you. Because of your thought and care, something that should have been terribly lonely has become an experience of warmth and connectedness with the community I'm so lucky to have.

All my thanks also goes out to the Stanford Graduate Life Office and Lakeside Dining Hall. I could not have asked for a better place to stay for these 2 weeks and you have given me a time to pause and rebuild some calm amidst the storm. I'm going to miss looking out into the trees from my porch and the squirrels who stop by to say hi. The dining team has been beyond amazing, ensuring that I get good, wholesome food and being so accommodating to my various requests. Thanks for giving me more food than one person could possibly consume (I'll be taking the leftovers back with me!) and for all the little treats you included in the delivery (from fruits to coffee to the Singapore special).

I leave this place with a full heart, and an excitement to discover the campus blossoming in Spring. And I look forward to the days when I can see all of your faces in the flesh, and hug my roommate and walk my dog again. Stay well, and stay safe!

Day 4 of self-isolation

Settling into a routine is surprisingly easy. Between classes, team meetings and food deliveries, time passes astonishingly quickly and I'm starting to find that I often end up with less down time than I thought I would have. Where's all the time I thought I had for yoga! and painting! and day dreaming!

It's a stark reminder of both how adaptable we humans are when we feel a sense of control, and how quickly we can get caught up in the minutiae of life. It reminds me that if I want to achieve things outside of my responsibilities and the bare minimum, I'll need to make them a priority, consciously schedule time for them and hold myself accountable for making them happen.

But after feeling adrift at sea for the last month, like I was just being tossed around by the waves (of new updates and constant changes brought about by the virus), the routine and normalcy feels comforting. Nothing changes here, unless I change it. The view from my window is always the same - the trees stay the same shade of green, I wake up to the same sunshine, even the squirrels that come by climb up the same tree to eat their nuts.

They say that self-isolation can feel isolating, but so far it really hasn't been. I am thankful for friends who sustain me and make me feel less alone, and classmates who provide a connection to the world outside my own (even if we only come together to get work done). A friend asked me the other day what's happening now that was not possible pre-virus and what do I want to keep? I'd definitely like to keep the way we all make more of an effort to check in with each other, to set up calls and play (online) games together. As someone who's moved nine thousand miles away, the distance somehow feels less when everyone is stuck at home and technology is the only means of connecting.

So here's to finding more and new ways of connecting and nurturing our relationships with those we hold dear. May we all continue to act as anchors for each other as we navigate these tumultuous seas.

New normal - day 2 of self isolation

                           (reading the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy on this Sunny Tues)

The last month has been a whirl. Coming home, coming back. The one thing that kept going through my mind was - you're not working from home, you're at home during a crisis trying to work. Anxiety levels were high, productivity levels low, I tried my best to be kind to myself and everyone else. Some days it was easier than others. Still, getting to see my friends and loved ones reminds me of how much they ground me, and how much I need them still, even while I build a life out here. The life in Singapore isn't mine now, but the people will always be my people. and there is no greater comfort than that. Family will always be family, who show you the greatest love you've ever known, but who also grate on your nerves like no one else can. Still, I am thankful, I got to break bread with my parents, cook for dad, and hug mum a little tighter, even as she huffily says "eh coronavirus, cannot hug!". I promise to stay in touch more, skype more, send more love, especially during this time, when I know it must be hard not having me there.

A 15hr flight, a 12hr layover, and another flight and a drive later, I'm back on campus. In light of everything going on, being in self-isolation feels like a comma in a meandering sentence that has really gone on for far too long. It is a time to reflect, re-centre and re-envision a new reality. Day 1 of self-isolation was all about getting settled, cleaning, taking stock of the things I need and reestablishing relationships here.

Day 2 has brought a sense of normalcy, zooming into class when it's still bright out. Sitting on my couch (the same one that's in my apartment), reading and drinking tea as the trees sway outside in the cool spring breeze. It's just cold enough to think of cuddling, yet warm enough to yearn to be outside. I've made friends with the squirrel that comes with the apartment, and miss my little one greatly. but take great comfort in knowing that I'm here, and I'll be home soon.

I am thankful for the time, for the space, for this place.