May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears

The one line that ruminates in my brain after all these years is the question, "is there any part of your life that you have low expectations in" to which my response was an incredulous "why would you have low expectations in any part of your life?"

I've been coming back to that response a lot lately and one of the hardest parts of me that I've had to reconcile is wanting a meaningful, impact-driven career and wanting all the material comforts in life. If I was being honest with myself, I do want nice things - I want a nice house with a great view, I want a beautiful car, I want custom furniture and iconic art pieces, I want luxurious vacations and once-in-a-lifetime experiences. I want to eat at expensive places and drink exquisite alcohol. 

And no amount of fighting myself is going to make any of that less true. And that's ok. It's ok to want what I want, because I choose to not let it undermine the integrity of my decisions. That even in my pursuit of material comforts, I will never let it compromise my desire to maximize impact. 

Everything I want is possible with enough time. So be patient and have faith that I am strong enough to do what it takes to achieve them all without having to compromise the things that truly matter to me. 

"May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears." - Nelson Mandela 

you will be ok

 Breathe, feel the pain, the disappointment. feel whatever you need to, knowing that you will get through this stronger than before. You will be ok. 

On love.

Losing someone who can't love you is not a loss.

But to not love someone because you are afraid of losing them is. 

You are amazing, and you deserve to be loved.

I know it hurts, but the pain feels different somehow - more like a familiar friend. The one that comes by to teach you something when you need it most, even when all you want to do is hold your hands up to your ears so you don't have to hear it. 

That sense of abandonment will always be a part of you, it's not going to go away. but that's ok. let it be an indication of what you need in a relationship. And the right person will always do their best to give you what you need, not all the time, and not perfectly, but often and as much as they can. 

You are kind, and sweet, and smart and beautiful. You light up any room you walk into, and you love with your whole damn heart. More than anything you deserve to be with someone who sees and appreciates all of who you are, and who wants to make you happy. 

So breathe - you are ok, you are ok, you are ok. everything will be alright. 

Occasional Magic

"Occasional magic refers to those moments of beauty, wonder, and clarity, often stumbled upon, where we suddenly see a piece of truth about our life."

I am strong. Strong enough to do this. Strong enough to believe in myself. Strong enough to fight for what I want. Strong enough to do what it takes, strong enough to have the patience, strong enough to assert myself, my wants, my needs. 

Let it be. If it comes back to you, you'll know it was meant to be. 

You owe it to yourself to try.

I'm terrified. Of failing, of finding out that I'm not good enough. yet I also know that if I dont do this now, I'll regret it. Caught between the fear of regret and the fear of failure, I feel stuck. Impotent, useless, paralyzed. 

but rome wasn't built in a day. it was built brick, by freaking brick. Not by obsessing over the grand end goal at the end. but by doing the work. bit by bit, grain by grain. so take the first step. focus on getting that done. then take another. and another. and another. 

After all, walking is simply not falling. 

and flying is simply throwing yourself at the ground and missing. 

I don't know if I can do this. There's a real chance that you cannot/ but you owe it to yourself to try. 

So try. 

Letters to self

Be patient, be patient, be patient. 

You can have everything you want, but not right now, not right this instant. 

Breathe. It's a mountain you will climb, step by step. but the view from the top will be worth it. 

Be patient. 

The wild storm is coming.

It will be hard, and at points you will wonder why the heck you chose to do this. You will wish you picked the easier path, the more straightforward one. You will lie on the floor in an empty apartment, wondering how you'll ever get to the life you want, when your dreams seem so impossible and far away. But in those darkest moments, deep down inside you will know - you live like this, because you know no other way. 

Rest when you need to. Cry if you have to. You will be ok. 

Your job in this world is simply to do your best and to not give up. that's all. 

If you do that, it will be enough. 

So breathe. You will be ok. 

maybe I need to stop seeing love as an investment but rather as an act of being true to myself and being a loving person

Expensive lessons

ooof that was an expensive lesson but also a much needed one - that in life if anything looks too good to be true, it probably is. 

Also, everything takes effort. Setting up your dream life takes immense effort and time, don't expect any of it to be easy or quick. But I promise you, the rewards are great. 

Hang in there. Who you are has brought you so far, it will bring your further still, to wherever you need to go. 

You can do this. 

Letters to myself

You are hardcore, you have nerves of steel and a perseverance that knows no bounds. Whatever narrative you are carrying around in your head about how your place in life is to play a supporting role, you need to get over that now. You playing small serves nobody, and it's time - to step into your strengths, to embrace your abilities with confidence, and to know that you have worked so fucking hard to get here. 

You are worthy of your dreams. 

 If I was being honest, I miss you.

If I was being honest, I can see a whole future with you.

If I was being honest, when you asked me if deep in my heart I just want to be friends, all I wanted to say was - no, I want the world with you, I want all of life and a lifetime with you.

Is that really so bad?

The Invitation

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing. 

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive. 

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. 

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it. 

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, remember the limitations of being human. 

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy. 

I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence. 

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, 'Yes.'

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children. 

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back. 

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away. 

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments. 

- Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Note to self

Be patient with yourself, good things take time. 

Know that I believe in you. 

I already am everything I want to be.

Four years on, and I've become the very person I've always wanted to be. Reading back on my own words, I am proud of myself for how far I've come. 

"You give me butterflies yet make me feel so comfortable being myself around you. There's no logic to it, and it makes no sense given that we haven't spent that much time together. But that's how I feel."

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 30, 2016

Sometimes, more than anything I wish I could be that person. The one who believes in love, with no hesitation or reservations - who leaps, never pausing to wonder if there'll be someone to catch her as she falls.

Who loves as if she's never been hurt before; who sees the magic for what it is - the wonder that comes from appreciating someone for the amazing person that they are.

When all you want to do is make them happy- and never wonder if they feel the same for you.

I don't know how people do it, but sometimes, more than anything else I wish I could.

Patience, dear Sam.

Only time will tell now. I've done my part in being honest with my feelings, there is nothing more for me to do here. Anytime I wonder if I need to be doing more, it's driven by nth more than my dislike for uncertainty. So be still.

“It was all unknown to me then, as I sat on that white bench on the day I finished my hike. Everything except the fact that I didn't have to know. That it was enough to trust that what I'd done was true. To understand its meaning without yet being able to say precisely what it was, like all those lines from The Dream of a Common Language that had run through my nights and days. To believe that I didn't need to reach with my bare hands anymore. To know that seeing the fish beneath the surface of the water was enough. That it was everything. It was my life - like all lives, mysterious and irrevocable and sacred. So very close, so very present, so very belonging to me."

Note to self

Breathe, uncertainty about the future has always made you scared and that's ok. It's normal to be scared, it's normal to want something to hold on to, when everything feels unmoored, like you're being tossed at sea. 

at the same time, know that you're stronger than you think. And you can get through anything on your own. You can build a whole life, full of joy and security, friends and possibility, without having to depend on anyone else to give it to you. 

So hold fast to yourself, cos you deserve to be at the centre of your universe. You deserve to have everything that you want, just the way you want it. You deserve to live a life that is uncompromisingly yours. So don't settle for less than you deserve. good things are coming. 

***

[23 March edit]

I can see it, the swanky apartment with the bar cart and the rose gold cocktail shakers. The framed jigsaw puzzle of the flower shop I'd like to own someday, hanging on the wall as a reminder of dreams gently, wonderingly desired. Plants, with vines getting tangled in everything, and a plush rug that covers half the room. 

I can see it, the fun we'll have together, eating through restaurants and drinking through bars. We'll embody all the joie de vivre of youth but we'll have money now - money to make the choices we never could before. 

I can see it, the roadtrips and the seaside hikes, and the picnics on hills. The beachside conversations and summer temptations. We'll throw ourselves into the ocean and regret it immediately. But in that moment think to ourselves - what a joy it is to be alive!

Above all, we'll hold each other up and be there to believe in each other when our belief in ourselves falter, as we traverse through life and pursue our respective glorious, magnificent dreams.

“At the end of the day, all I have to cherish are human relationships. Your worldly wealth you can’t take away with you, your life has been lived.  It is the friends you have made, your family ties, which sustain your spirit with a certain warmth and comfort.   

Could I have lived my life differently?  That’s a parlour game, you know.  At each stage, it is a crossroads.  You take the road, you have changed direction, you proceed.  There is no turning back.

So you cannot say that you planned your whole life.  And that’s why I feel life is a great adventure: exciting, unpredictable, and at times exhilarating.  What is crucial is never to lose that joie de vivre, that zest for life, to watch the sun go down and wake up to a new day rested and refreshed after a good night.” - LKY.

 

Reminder to self

I know that it's really hard for you to be vulnerable, but you have to try. You never know what is going to happen, but it's the only way to know if this is going to be magic or another lesson learnt. 

Your only job is to be honest about how you feel, and to hold yourself in high regard. I promise, it will be worth it.

Or is it hard work dear, holding the atmosphere?

I want a drive-across-the-country-in-a-spontaneous-roadtrip kinda love. 

https://youtu.be/v4pi1LxuDHc

Celebrating a decade of living my best life

As I celebrate my thirtieth birthday, I can't help looking back at the last decade and marvel at what a remarkable life I've been so lucky to live. In the last 10 years:

Purpose

i. I've represented Singapore at international organizations (WTO, APEC), dined with foreign dignitaries and witnessed in person the moment when Russia joined the WTO.

ii. I was a founding member of an award-winning non-profit organization in undergrad that is celebrating its 10th year in 2021.

iii. I left a stable job to head a social enterprise - pulling it back from the brink of bankruptcy, eventually growing it to over 1,000 members and launching a new business unit training high-impact socially-conscious leaders. 

iv. I've been inspired by the stories of farmers in Myanmar, entrepreneurs in Vietnam and chronic patients in Nigeria; attended a village wedding in the rural mountains of Aungban and played with the children in the outskirts of Honduras.

v. I've given a TEDx talk to an audience of over 1,000 people, and organized two global conferences attended by people from more than 30 countries.

vi. I've worked with some of the biggest companies and non-profit organizations to help them scale and deepen their social impact, and watched with pride as mentees go on to start their own social enterprises.

vii. I've had the honor of working with people who continuously inspire me to change the world for the better and in teams with diverse cultures and nationalities.

viii. I have found meaning and joy in every job I've had since graduating college and found a mission that I am so excited to commit my life to.

The world

ix. I've sailed down the French Riveria and walked in Van Gogh's footsteps in Arles (where he painted some of his best known works including the Sunflowers and Cafe Terrace at Night)

x. I've soaked in the warm waters of the Blue Lagoon and chased the dancing northern lights across the night sky; hiked across glaciers and climbed down ice caves. I've set off fireworks by the beach and orchestrated the simultaneous release of 50 floating lanterns.

xi. The second time I've ever gone rock climbing outdoors, I did a multi-pitch climb up a 400 ft mountain face, reaching the summit just in time to watch the sunset, before traversing across the side of a cliff in the dark to get back to the car.

xii. I've ziplined across the world's largest system of canyons (copper canyon) and scaled the ancient pyramids of Mexico; I've swum in glacial lakes, jumped off yachts and cliff dived into lagoons.

xiii. I've hung out the side of a train in Sri Lanka as it passed by rolling hills of tea plantations and joined in a chorus of travelers who burst into song, complete with drums and shakers. 

xiv. I've lived in castles with secret passageways, cliffside villas with infinity pools and bohemian buses in hippie communes where clothing was optional. I've stayed on a vineyard in South Africa, a museum by the sea in Korea, and in a wagon in Wyoming during a snowstorm.  

xv. I've raved in the underground clubs of Berlin, salsa-ed on the dancefloors of Puerto Rico and cried to a Fado performance in Lisbon.

xvi. I've seen lions hunt and leopards defend their kills. I've driven through a Safari in Africa, coming within 10 feet of elephants, rhinos, giraffes etc in the wild. I was nearly charged at by a bison in Yellowstone.

xvii. I've travelled to 27 countries, visited 36 UNESCO world heritage sites and lived in 4 cities. 

Life

xviii. I've celebrated over 20 years of friendship with two best friends, and had the privilege of singing at both their weddings. 

xix. I've come to appreciate the humanity in my parents, to understand that they tried their best and to ultimately forgive them for the things they did or failed to do. I’m grateful that the relationship I have with them today is largely loving and tender.

xx. I've left a good, comfortable life behind to move halfway across the world to start over (twice).

xxi. I've published 2 poems in a collection of poetry, and an article on democracy in the Stanford International Policy Review Forum.

xxii. For 2 years, one of the best institutions in the world has been my sugar daddy ;)

xxiii. I have loved and been loved deeply and truly, have fought for it across time and space, and ultimately had the courage to let it go when the time came. 

xxiv. I have lived a good life, with wonder and boldness, kindness and optimism. And I've grown into a truer, more authentic version of myself. 

We cannot deny the role that luck plays in our lives, and so much of what I've been able to do has been a result of being at the right place, at the right time. I'm also very privileged to grow up in the circumstances that I did. But that list doesn't speak of the fear I've had to overcome every time I ventured out into the unknown, or the nights I've cried not knowing what was going to happen or whether I was capable enough to do what I needed to. And it certainly doesn’t speak of the immense sense of loss I felt when I ended the 4.5 year relationship with a man I once thought I'd marry. Deep in my heart I knew that I couldn't be who I wanted to be if we continued being together, but that didn't make it any easier.

It doesn’t tell the story of the failures and disappointments I’ve gone through, or the days I’ve survived only through the sheer will to live and the desire to heal. It doesn't reflect the loneliness I grappled with whenever I moved to somewhere new. And it certainly doesn't speak of the hours of toil and hard work needed to bring plans and visions into fruition, or the self-doubt and vulnerability involved in putting something new into the world and charting your own path. 

Every choice you make comes with opportunity costs. Occasionally, I've questioned my decisions, not quite knowing if the choices I made were the right ones. But I’ve learnt that the life we live is created in the choices that we make and looking back, I would not have chosen any other way. 

So it is with greater clarity, conviction and confidence that I step into a new decade, and I am so excited to see what my thirties will bring!

 

"you were unmistakably my first love
and i will never forget that. even though
we have both grown apart, both changed,
a piece of you remains with me. you will
always be a part of me because you unknowingly
showed me what i deserve
and every guy i'm with for the rest of my life
will be compared to you."

in retrospect,
i thank you,
i thank you for everything that you have given me,
i thank you for all the love, the patience and time.
and i'm sorry, that i could never love you in the same way.
as easy as it is to fall back into the old patterns and ways,
i won't, cos you're an amazing person and you deserve better.
you deserve someone who can love you with all that she has,
who can make time for you, who will put you in the centre of her universe.
and i'm not that girl.
keep looking, i'm sure you'll find her someday =)

SATURDAY, AUGUST 9, 2008

Faith

 I believe that the universe (and God) delivers exactly what I need, exactly when I need it. 

Because wanting to leave is enough reason to.

Go, because wanting to leave is enough.

I read the words that I wrote about our relationship and think back to how we truly and honestly loved each other. How your love for me was kind, generous and all encompassing; how I loved you like I have loved no other before or since. And even 6 years later, I wonder if I'd squandered it all when I left; wonder if I was only allotted a certain amount of that kind of love and I had already used it up in the relationship with you. When we broke up, you said that I would never find someone who will love me the way you did. In that moment, I felt it to be true, and up till now, I hadn't realized how much I've being carrying that with me and what a burden those words have come to be. 

I believed in them as much as I was terrified they would be true. I was afraid that I would never find someone as smart or as caring or who could make me laugh, or with whom I had as great a chemistry or as deep a connection with. I was afraid that I would never feel with someone else that sense of home, trust and high regard as I did with you. 

And because I was so afraid I would never find another love like what we had, I was willing to settle for anything that came remotely close. If nothing else, to convince myself that I would find love again, and that ending things with you wouldn't become my biggest regret. 

But our fears have a way of becoming self-fulfilling prophecies, and because I never truly forgave myself for breaking your heart and in the process breaking my own, I continued to hold those words to be true, and that fear in my heart. But if I am ever to find the kind, generous, all encompassing, chemistry-filled, connection-rich love that I want, I need to let that all go. I need to believe that I did the right thing in ending things with you. That even though I tried my best to stay, I couldn't love you the way you loved me, and leaving was a kindness that gave you your freedom to find someone who could. Maybe I'll never understand why our love was not enough for me, but the fact is, it wasn't and wanting to leave is enough reason to. 

Being loved by you was my privilege, and I am so grateful to have known a love like that. But if I was being honest, it wasn't perfect and while no relationship is, ultimately there was something missing in it that I needed. So, I choose to believe that there exists a love even better and that someday I will find it. So let that be the bar that I hold all future guys that I date to, even as I continue to work on myself so that I may be worthy of that love too.

https://therumpus.net/2011/06/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-77-the-truth-that-lives-there/

***

all these years later, I finally realized why I left. I always said that you were my rock and I was your kite. As my rock, you kept me grounded and prevented me from flying too close to the sun lest I get burnt. As your kite, I lifted you off the ground and showed you how beautiful life could be from such great heights. But ultimately, I left because at some point, I started to feel like I was dragging you where you didn't want to go, and I couldn't truly be who I wanted to be while with you. 

Ultimately, I want to fly and I want someone who will soar with me. 

***

You deserve a lover who wants you disheveled, with everything and all the reasons that wake you up in a haste and the demons that won’t let you sleep.

You deserve a lover who makes you feel safe, who can consume this world whole if he walks hand in hand with you; someone who believes that his embraces are a perfect match with your skin.

You deserve a lover who wants to dance with you, who goes to paradise every time he looks into your eyes and never gets tired of studying your expressions.

You deserve a lover who listens when you sing, who supports you when you feel shame and respects your freedom; who flies with you and isn’t afraid to fall.

You deserve a lover who takes away the lies and brings you hope, coffee, and poetry.

https://wordsfortheyear.com/2017/11/13/you-deserve-a-lover-by-frida-kahlo/

2021 commitments

This year I commit to being bold in my choices. For a whole year, I commit to saying yes to life and opportunities, if given a choice to play it safe or take the riskier path, I commit to embracing the fear and walking boldly into it. 

If you need any permission at all, let this be it. 

Let's go.

N.B. I also commit to not dating for a year. 2020 was a real crazy journey for my heart, and I think it needs a rest. and who knows what will come up when I stop relying on the guys I date to provide the validation, care and physical affection I crave and think I need. But it's definitely time to find out. Cos I can't keep living the way I've been living, so I need to live a way that I never have. It will be liberating. 

2020 reflections and hopes for the new year

Cheers to 2020 for the lessons in self-compassion and self-acceptance. This was a year of constantly remaking plans and replanting dreams. The year brought heartache and longing in a way that no other year has - an ache for the things I took for granted before and a longing to fill the absences that've become a familiar presence. I spent more time alone than any other year and in the silence, I was forced to confront the many inner demons that emerged from the shadows. 

To be honest, I ended 2019 decidedly unhappy - I questioned my decisions and was full of self-doubt and lonely. I was determined to recalibrate my life and so I started 2020 with only one goal - to learn to be enough for myself, and to build a life that will make me happy. When the world went into lockdown, this became both harder and more necessary. I couldn't do what I always did i.e. focus on work and achievements to make me feel good about myself. Instead I was forced to slow down as the ongoing uncertainty rendered many initial plans untenable. As a result, I struggled with the realization of how conditional my love for myself is, how often unkind the voice in my head can be. Writing letters to myself helped, as did learning to reach out to friends when it all got too overwhelming. I finally invested in furnishing my living space so that it would feel more like home, and learnt to cook food that nourished me. I took walks to clear my head and am now convinced that we're all just plants with complex emotions - always in need of more fresh air and Vitamin D. 

I also learnt that the more I tried to fix myself, the more broken I felt. It wasn't until the last days of 2020 that I learnt self-acceptance. That in finally letting go of all the ways that I thought I should be, I found peace in quietly saying to myself, "You are ok, you are ok, you are ok."

2020 was also a year of immense beauty and joy. I roadtripped everywhere this year, standing in awe of nature's many wonders - Lake Tahoe, LA, Mendocino, Lassen Volcanic National Park, Crater Lake, the Oregon Coast, Grand Teton, Yellowstone, Joshua Tree, Death Valley and finally San Diego. From the heights of the mountains to the breadths of the ocean, from the vastness of the desert to the lushness of the trees, I stand ever humbled before the universe. I camped for the first time in 15 years, watched the sunset from 5,500 ft up and made my wishes on dark nights with bright stars. I swam in lakes, rivers and waterfalls, grazed wildlife and finally, finally, spent winter getting toasty by the fireplace in a cabin in the woods, blanketed by snow. Being in nature reminds me that the world has already given me everything I need to be happy, I just need to see it. 

So it is with gratitude and excitement that I step into 2021. This year, I want to build on the lessons of the past year to grow into a more confident, kind and brave version of myself. As I graduate and begin a new chapter of my life, I want to continue to embrace all that life has to offer and walk my chosen path with more boldness and conviction. I want to continue to work on finding my voice and make my choices more decisively. Lastly, I want to continue on my journey of embracing all that I am, and building a life that will make me happy. 

As always, I am beyond grateful for friends and family who've been there through it all. Who've sustained me with their care and tenderness and have reached out in kindness and thoughtfulness. I am ever thankful for your love.