as i type my customary end-of-year/new year post in the last few hours of 2009, it strikes me how fast this year has been.

The year of 2009 was an odd one.
i spent a great deal of it in anticipation of the future;
building dreams, tearing them down, and building them up again.
as compared to the many years before, this year seems to have brought very little in terms of personal growth or real achievements.
it was a year of tying up loose ends (NRP, ASEAN 09, Xperience)
and attempts in crystalball gazing.
it was a year of making decisions based on uncertain predictions, and at times, pure speculation.
it was a year of difficult questions, and hours of being stuck in my head doesnt seem to have shed any light whatsoever.

nonetheless, i am thankful. this year has given me a love so amazing that i cannot possibly not be grateful. it isnt perfect, and it isnt easy, but it makes me happy and content, and it gives me strength. thank you.

as always, my friends have been a constant i cannot live without. they are the ones who make this journey worthwhile. they've shared my dreams, disappointments and everything in between. thank you for reminding me of who i am, and for finding the quirkiest stories to cheer me up. I can only hope I’ve been there for all of you as much as you have been here for me.

the year of 2010 is going to be a hard one.
i will be made to question everything i thought i wanted
and deal with reality in a way i've never had to before.
it will test my flexibility and my adaptability.
it will be emotionally draining and will wear at my faith -
in myself and in what i can do.
for once, in a long while, there will be no safety net to catch me should i fall.
i cannot see beyond the next few days,
and that scares me more than i'm willing to admit.
it will be difficult, and i dont think i'm emotionally or mentally prepared for it.
but time doesnt stand still simply cos man wills it,
it trudges on with little reference to our wishes or expectations
and the sooner i learn to deal with that, the better, really.

despite all that,
it is a new year and the start of a new decade.
with it comes the excitement and anticipation of new beginnings.
Like an empty canvas waiting to be filled, that blank space isn’t a vacuum, but rather an emporium of possibilities.
Like Rudyard kipling once said,

“If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it”

here's to a good one everybody,
may the year ahead be filled with wonder and adventure:)


31/12/09

that first look, uncertain, yet familiar. me, just hugging you, with the urgency of one who has been away for too long. us, realising that despite it all, my hand still slips into yours, ever so naturally, as your feet fall into step beside mine.

twilight, by the beach in the fading sunlight. a blue box, a silver pendant; no 3 words have ever sounded so precious. that look on your face as you asked if you could kiss me. me, falling into your lap, accidentally-on-purpose of cos. your hand on my heart and my, what beautiful kisses.

christmas trees, all lined up in a row. pretty decorations (for the taking). a silver heart and a delicate snowflake, you, very much an accomplice. us, sneaking into the orchid gardens. you, me, and unpredictable flowers. a beautiful pavillion, hidden almost. your arms around me, my hands in your hair. me, discovering a whole other side of you as i bury my face in your neck. us, just the two of us, and kisses - everywhere.

our fears, our apprehensions. the strangeness of doubletime. videotaping analogies. 3 months, or 5? will it be a year, or merely 3 and a half months? me, in truth and vulnerability, and utterly scared. "i'm afraid of losing you"

" If you knew how much trouble the universe went to for us to be here, now, standing in front of each other, you'd know we're going to have to be careful.

Plankton and plants and canals, a hundred suns, a thousand sailing ships, ten thousand civilizations, a million, million, million first kisses from all our mothers and fathers.

We owe it to them, to be careful. "

Mon 23 nov to Fri 4 dec - SAL JC law programme (+ attachment to TKQP)

Fri 27 nov - twilight + shopping with limei & co.
 
Sat 5 dec - Graduation
 
Sun 6 dec - shopping with michele
 
Mon 7 dec - oxford phone interview
 
Tues 8 dec - prom + forbidden city + crashed Kailin's place
 
Wed 9 dec - recovering from the high of the day before. 

Thurs 10 dec - lunch with yifan
 
Fri 11 dec - cycling with kailin & co.
                    forbidden city with audrey & co.
 
Sat 12 dec - free day
 
Sun 13 dec - brunch with stephen @ mimolette
                     movie, dinner and a walk on the beach with gaius
 
Mon 14 dec - sick
 
Tue 15 dec - ice-skating with steffi & co.

                     dinner + drinks with Calvin
 
Wed 16 dec - Su's birthday (the one with the sunflowers)
                       dinner + drinks with leon
 
Thurs 17 dec - Su's birthday (the one with the roses) + timbre@artshouse
 
Fri 18 dec - lunch with ben
                   botanic gardens with gaius
 
Sat 19 dec - Visit ah gong
 
Sun 20 dec - cookie baking with michele
                     schedule planning (on a starbucks napkin) with gaius
                     dinner with gaius and my parents @ fish&co.

                     (gaius gets psyched)

Mon 21 dec - lunch with gaius and friends
                      night safari

Tues 22 dec - unexpected free day

Wed 23 dec - ASEAN meeting in school

                      Musuem and a lot of photos

                      icing christmas cookies with michele

Thurs 24 dec - christmas eve shopping

Fri 25 dec - Christmas day (orchard, with lotsa rain and heaps of people)

                   a very lovely christmas dinner with the family

Sat 26 dec - lunch with ben at T3 (pseudo mice, a pretty green dress and snowflakes)

                    gaius' bday (blue boxes and pretty ribbons. pictures, words and a great view)

Sun 27 dec - mum's bday, lunch at BTGH (nice trees, overlooking botanic gardens)

Mon 28 dec - avatar + marina barrage with gaius (need to go back again someday)

Tues 29 dec - sherlock holmes + gaius flies halfway round the globe.

the time traveler's wife's a great book

a little too american and brash for my taste - surely there are better ways of saying "we fucked carefully, silently" - but the raw emotions make up for it.

i love how they make allusions to litarary works which you must have read to pick up on

Neruda, Rilke, Nabokov, need i say more?

reading such stories always makes me want to lead an entirely different life from what i have planned

after all, there's much to be said about living life getting lost in the subtle nuances of language, believing in nth else, but the truth of raw emotions expressed so beautifully.

makes me want to give up my presumptuous plans to save the world

and just escape into neverending literature

how do i reconcile the two?

the part of me that wants to live life where reality and imagination converge

and the other part which knows that such a world will never be enough

a funny place this world is,

we get up in the morning and put on the clothes that will define us for the day

we go out and navigate roads, places, people

exerting an intangible force on these little jigsaw pieces.

a subtle push, a tenous pull;

a word, a choice,

each life very much a part of so many others.

we map out possibilities

we spin webs of alternatives

but in the end we can only choose one,

or have one already chosen for us.

it makes me wonder if life isnt one great experiment.

what's the hypothesis?

06.09.09

writing my thesis has been a far from painless process,

researching, synthesising, writing, stoning.

coincidentally, a new book chronicling PAP's shadowy past has been published recently and reading the article written on the effort and long years of research taken to bring the book to fruition has humbled me a great deal.

how could i have ever hoped to encapsulate in 3000 words, the complexities of the time, or the subtle nuances of Singapore's sublime history?

no, my thesis is nothing more than a crack in the window pane and i am nothing more than an 18 year-old driven by curiosity.

Still, the recent publishing of the book, Men in White, (encouraged by SM Goh no less) speaks of a desire to bring the diverse elements of Modern Singapore's birth to light and to recognise that the government's journey has not always followed the high road of integrity and righteousness that the "Singapore story" would like to have us believe.

it also speaks of a certain maturing of society, that we have attained some level of political security such that we need no longer confine history to the narrow tunnel vision of a didactic narrative.

more importantly, it provides a warning against apathy, against complacency;

and a subtle admittance that no amount of careful planning and foresight can guarantee Singapore's success in the next lap of her journey any longer.

as you wake up in the morning and get on with the day

just like how you did yesterday,

and the day before that,

do you realise that all around you, the world is changing?

what is it with man's fascination with the violent, strange and perverse?

is it mere curiosity about the unknown and unfamiliar,

or does it speak of a deeper inclination towards the diabolical?

is it a manifestation of the allure of forbidden fruits,

or does it point to a much greater intrinsic desire

that no amount of social conditioning can truly annihilate?

do we respond to homocide, rape and torture with such disgust

because we believe that we are above such baseness?

or because we secretly fear that we too,

might be capable of them.

03/09/09

the voices in my head fall silent.

the disturbances of the stock-market surrender to a lulling sanitised quietness, reminiscent of the vast ocean, (tho perhaps in reverse)

there, the choppy waves of the water surface is incongruent to the calm of the ocean floor

while in my head, the unearthly calm is mere facade i fear.

thoughts fall through my grasp faster than my comprehension, swallowed up by that vaccum that allows no sound. why does the peace of mind that i had longed for seem so desolate now?

monday afternoon.
english literature:
amidst the words,
rhyme scheme
and mistaken lillies.
do you know what an iris looks like?

i thought -
of you.

Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind.

“Pooh!” he whispered.

“Yes, Piglet?”

“Nothing,” said Piglet, taking Pooh’s paw. “I just wanted to be sure of you.”

-The House At Pooh Corner

"So many ways to know a person, it seems.A hand on the small of one’s back; the memory of a scent; two pairs of eyes meeting and crinkling into smiles that secretly know that under the crowded table a nudge was passed, between two differently-clad and -sized feet. And all around, all above, the world spins on

Then there is the sort of knowing, when you both sit in silence, that no one needs to say anything. It’s almost the same kind (but not quite) that is present when you fumble for words to say something, realize you can’t find the right ones, but still know that you were understood. You know a person by the way their eyes fill with tears; by the huskiness of their just-woke-up voice; by the smooth curve their laughter takes. Your fingers remember how naturally they fall into a clasp with another hand, your feet how easily they fall into step beside another.

We are strange creatures, we are. We can know another by the crash of a midnight wave, by the sun glancing off a seaside pier, by the tinkling laugh of a raindrop on a windscreen.
And sometimes, because it is the only way you can, you know a person by an ache in the shape of an absence. "

because happiness is so much more elusive,

so much more subtle

and fragile.

because, that feeling of peace

and contentment

is hard to grasp and almost impossible to describe

while pain is like a diabolical twin you inevitably come to know,

happiness is almost a stranger, whose face

is nothing more than a vague silhouette

often too transient, too subtle, too indefinable

to recognise

in the midst of the drudgery, sham and noise

that at times seem so ubiquitous.

as such, happiness for me,

has always been harder to write about.

how do you put that feeling into words,

without understating its significance,

or turning it into a cliched

hyperbole?

i guess it's in the little things.

it's in the way laughter is fuller,

and smiles come easier.

or how one finds greater strength

and positivity.

it's in the sense of peace

and security.

and in the gradual awareness

that you have the right to be here.

it almost scares me to say it,

but i am happy,

and it's the most amazing feeling in the world.

22/07/09

Things to note:

ASEAN- monday 1st june setting up

tuesday 2nd june pick up delegates

wednesday 3rd june summit day 1

thursday 4th june summit day 2

friday 5th june summit day 3

saturday 6th june closing dinner

sunday 7th june send delegates off

SAT- Saturday 6th June 8 30

Lit- monday 1st june 9-12 (mock test, STUDY!)

monday 8th june 9-12

Maths- tuesday 2nd June 8 30 (if not able to make it, which is likely, do get limei to takes notes for you)

History- tuesday 9th June 1pm

wednesday 10th June 9 am

friday 12th june 9 am

Econs - monday 8th June 3 30-6 00 (inflation lecture)

wednesday 10th June 3-5 (Economic Growth lecture)

 

to do list:

read books (exactly which ones, to be confirmed later)

 

sidenote: buy the end of poverty by jeffrey sachs (worthy investment!)

decide which scholarships to consider applying for (remind self that it is actually possible)

need to start filling up application for overseas Unis. (PS + whatever essays required) 

 

reminder to self: PLEASE find some time to go out. and destress. dont sit at home and emo and whine about how pathetic life is. sigh.

it's raining again.

the grey of rainy days always makes me more introspective, quieter; not so much in speech but in thought. it's like the rain that falls down from the sky drapes a certain chloroform tinged curtain on my consciousness.

mind-numbing warm-glow in my brain as my thoughts collapsed on themselves.

i've never liked how certain mundane everyday occurrences are conferred disproportionate significance simply due to one of those one-off occurrences.

rain is not simply rain,

rain is the cold you fought off with the warmth of your arms
rain is the wistful imagination that only partly came to pass
rain is the moment i wished i could have held on to longer
rain is the past, and your absence in any conceivable future.
rain is me missing you, missing you, missing you
endlessly.

it's raining again.

It ends there and then, and goes on and on,

and we feel because only the living can,

because if we don't, we are corpses driven

to animation by empty desire. And by the time

that moment ends, it is over

and we are in way too deep,

way too fast, wondering why

there exists no rewind button for the soul,

no second chance for the petty player,

no back-up plan for those who risk

everything on nothing, all at once. Decide.

a momentary forever.

Without you I’m free, devoid of want,

desire, need, dreams of a life that’s better

than this one; I’m empty of empty

promises, wallets, hopes and words .

Without you, all my heart grows lazy

and monosyllabic ; I do not cry

over pretty pictures, dust on books.

and rescue shows on Animal Planet.

- tania de rozario

TO LEON WERTH

I ask children to forgive me for dedicating this

book to a grown-up. I have a serious excuse:

this grown-up is the best friend i have in the

world. I have another excuse: this grown-up

can understand everything, even books for chil-

dren. I have a third excuse: he lives in France

where he is hungry and cold. He needs to be

comforted. If all these excuses are not enough,

then i want to dedicate this book to the child

whom this grown-up once was. All grown-ups

were children first. (but few of them remember

it.) So i correct my dedication:

TO LEON WERTH

when he was a little boy

-- The Little Prince, Antoine De Saint-Exupery

Does it break my heart, of course, every moment of every day, into more piecesthan my heart was made of, I never thought of myself as quiet, much less silent,I never thought about things at all, everything changed, the distance thatwedged itself between me and my happiness wasn't the world, it wasn't the bombs and burning buildings, it was me, my thinking, the cancer of never letting go, is ignorance bliss, I don't know, but it's so painful to think, and tell me, what did thinking ever do for me, to what great place did thinking ever bring me? I think and think and think, I've thought myself out of happiness one million times, but never once into it.

it's 12 39 am

my mum comes in bearing a bowl of noodles

"why'd you wake up to eat instant noodles in the middle of the night mum?"

"dunno, couldnt sleep."

"why, watcha thinking about?"

" i woke up to wash the curtains. was thinking about cny and scared the curtains wouldnt dry in time otherwise."

says my mum with a little laugh and that silly smile.

i grow warm inside, and realised just how much i love her.

as 2008 draws to a close, it's time for me to, in michele's words, rummage around my heartstrings, my thoughts, and my affairs in a hurried, desperate attempt to convince myself that the past year was not futile.

this year was a tough one in many ways. but as the years go by i'm beginning to realise that it's probably not gonna get any easier.

this year was one of painful lessons and difficult realisations

it was one that stretched me in the strangest of ways, and because of that i may just have grown that much more. *no, not physically, in case you were wondering. :(

this year's reflections are also unusually hard to write.

so much has happened and everything seems all mixed up and swirly

in my whirlpool of a mind.

i am grateful for the opportunities i have been given, many of which later went on to become highlights of the year.

i'm grateful to discover that much more about myself and the world beyond my tiny lil four-wall-and-a-square-door world.

at the same time, i wonder if ignorance is bliss after all,

the more i know, the less i wanna know it seems.

yet, it's also taught me that it is during the darkest of times,

that hope and optimism are most needed.

that we should all hold on to every little scrap of happiness we can get,

cos we'll never know when life decides to drop a bomb on us.

also, happiness is a choice.

it's not easy being unhappy and in despair,

but it takes even getter strength to be happy

and to keep believing that life has so much to offer,

and that you have so much to offer in return.

also, as much as i hate saying this,

2008 is marked by your pressence.

but try as i might, there's nth i can write

that could sum up all that's passed between us.

how do i write your contradictions, my emotions, our story in words?

but regardless of what happens now,

i refuse to let 2009 be marked by your absence.

in so many ways you've helped me grow,

it's reassuring to know that i am capable of loving someone so much

and because of you my capacity to love has grown.

while another taught me to love my friends and family,

and appreciate the people in my life,

it was you who gave me the experience of yet another kind of love.

and although the pain has made its home here in my heart,

and your voice has become a constant pressence in my mind

i know that rather than turning my heart to stone,

you made it so much bigger and fuller.

so, now that i know what it's like,

i no longer fear love the way i did before

and for that i thank you.

that said, in many ways i've also learnt acceptance.
i've learnt to accept facts the way they are cos,
well, no amount of late night crying, no amount of screaming,
hate, angst or self delusion is gonna change anything.
(not that i really did all of that. haha) .

like most other years,

i'm grateful to my family for everything.

for having me here,

and loving me the way both of you do.

this year, i've learnt that forgiveness is a splendid thing,

and that at the end of the day,

everybody's fighting their own battles.

so go softly, on the ones who have done you wrong,

for recognise in them, the very same battles that you fight,

just to survive.

i love you.

lastly,

a gazillion times multi-gazillion thanks

to all my friends who've been there for me through it all.

you might not even know it,

but just being there, is more than enough.

thank you.

SO, 2008 has come and gone,

and what a year it was!

with a sense of anticipation,

cos there's something about the new year that smells so sweet,

here's wishing that 2009 will be a good one everybody! :)