I'm in love with you. and it's scares the shit out of me, because I don't know what to do with all these feelings I have for you. I don't know what will happen, I don't know if we will work out, I don't know anything. But I am so in love with you, and I just wanted to be able to say it.

feel the fear. the pounding in your heart. your quickening pulse.

It's ok to be afraid. It's normal to be scared.

Love is risky business, and it's hard to be brave when you feel like you're putting it all on the line.

When you feel yourself falling and you're not sure if there'll be someone to catch you on the other end.

It's ok to be scared. Breathe.

Everything will be ok in the end.

Reminder to self: be the person that I wish my parents were for me

SATURDAY, JUNE 14, 2008

be loved.

because each and every one of us are flawed.

because we all fear that in our bare nakedness
we will not be good enough, or deserving of others' love
because we are all afraid that the skeletons in our closet,
and the truths locked up in the back of our minds
will always be too great, too dark, too much to be accepted.

so we hide parts of ourselves away,
build walls we convince ourselves we cant live without,
yet deep down know we cant live within forever. 
but there's beauty in imperfection,
and one day, i hope to take courage in who i am;
to stand in truth and infinite faith,
because only then,

can i be loved unconditionally,
in all my imperfections.

love, and be loved.

POSTED BY SAM

Almost a decade later, this is as true as the day I wrote it. I have come to realise that the voice in my head is the voice of my less-than-gentle handlers I've grown up with. And in the quest to grow the perfect child they forgot that to love is also to accept her just the way she is; that love cannot be conditioned on how well she is meeting their expectations. 

And now I carry that everywhere with me in my head. The voice in my head is not a gentle one. It is full of judgement and looks upon my weaknesses and failures with very little kindness. It has neither compassion nor patience, and accepts nothing but perfection.  

But in the battle between the head and the heart, the heart always wins. And while learning to manage my emotions is a great skill and a sign of maturity, there is a fine line between managing them and supressing them, only to have them come up in unhealthy ways. 

in the battle of your mind, doubt whispers to the parts of yourself you hide away. it speaks to the scared child whose youth had absorbed the prints of its less-than-gentle handlers...and as we grow older, we learn to build a world in our minds. we collect personalities and tell ourselves who we should be. We erect walls of self-justification and build a treacherous maze around who we really are. - Nov 2010

So perhaps, it's time to be the parent that i've always hoped I had, for myself. To treat myself with the gentleness, compassion and acceptance that I wish my parents had shown me. 

To accept the inner child within myself. To accept that sometimes I will be angry, and frustrated, and weak. Needy, selfish, incompetent and far from the person I would like to be. Sometimes I will fail. 

and that's ok. 

It's ok to feel all of these things sometimes, to just recognise and acknowledge them and as long as I continously strive to do better, these moments don't detract from the good that I am, and the fact that I am a person worthy of love.

And in the moments of weakness and fallibility, like parents, we simply take that child, no matter how it is today. We accept it and be patient with it. and like a child who is learning how to walk, even when she falls, we just pick her up, encourage her, cheer, clap and give compliments, even when the walking is not yet perfect. Because it's a child, you don't look for perfection, each one is different, and you are already happy and proud everytime there is a progress that was made. 

I will slowly learn to love and accept myself, not just for the parts that I like, but also my flaws and weaknesses. 

breathe.

heart.

be still.

mind.

be quiet.

This is as far as I am willing to go. The rest is up to you.

Whatever will be will be. I've done my best already.

tough lessons.

it's never easy facing the darker parts of yourself, holding up the mirror and taking a long hard look at the scars and ugliness that you hide under the made-up face you present to the world (or to yourself).

I seriously need to be less defensive, and the self-righeous anger isnt helping.

So if I had to take one lesson away from this relationship, it would be this - that before you point fingers at someone else, it might be worth taking a long hard look at yourself.

Also, it's far better to just admit when you are wrong than to try and defend yourself unnecessarily.

Maybe it's time to accept that I'm just a little crazy. And no matter how much I hide it, it'll come out somehow. So if someone is gonna point it out, I should just be ready to admit and apologise for it. How else am I ever going to know if they can accept me for who I am? (and if they can't then they arent the right one for me)

Also, you really need to learn to stop putting your pride before the relationship. It's never worth it.

Sigh. It's never a pleasant feeling to realise that you're guilty of the very things that you've been accusing others of.

(Not the most elegant post, but hopefully it'll serve its purpose)