hap·pen·stance [ˈhæpənˌstæns]

n.

A chance circumstance: "love loomed only as an outgrowth of happenstance; you met a person" (Bruce Weber).

sometimes the feeling of picking up the phone to tell you i miss you gets terribly overwhelming. then i remember that those three words have been said the day before, and the day before that...and the day before that. i put down the phone again, chiding myself for being so weak. 


2 mins later, i get a text,


" Sam dear, why do i always feel that something's missing when i'm not talking to you?"


i smile to myself, thinking, 


"me too."

Doubt thou, the Starres are fire,
Doubt, that the Sunne doth moue:
Doubt Truth to be a Lier,
But neuer Doubt, I loue.


Hamlet, Shakespeare.

there's a fallen angel in my honey/

there is a strange humming in my head, it feels like the beginning of a thought (which usually starts from a sentiment), yet one i fear to bring to full form.

so, in times like these when i dont want clarity, i dont want to know what this unsettling feeling at the pit of my stomach is, when i dont want to chase down thoughts that dont make me happy, i run to my oldest form of comfort. comfort in the words of those wiser than myself, written to no one in particular but with someone in mind.

in this case, the author of the day will be Neil Gaiman. it's strange really, cos i've never read any of his books but i stalk his blog like a fan (see http://journal.neilgaiman.com)

reading about his life in his own words allows me to, even if just momentarily, be someone else for awhile. his writing is clean and personal in a way that is comforting. he talks about the everyday things in his life and you can clearly see how writing is such an integral part of his life, it's almost as if he turned waking up to have cereal for breakfast into a career.

sometimes
you wake up,
sometimes
you die from the fall,
and sometimes,
when you fall,
you fly.

which will it be now, i guess only time will tell.

because i'm more scared than i've ever been in my life, i thought i should make a note to myself:

everything seems daunting before you go through it. and in the hardest of times, when work is piling up and you wonder if you can do it and why you chose to put yourself through this, remember that these things will be worth it. Remember the excitement, remember the reasons you had for doing the things you do, and find within you, the passion and joy you had. and most of all, believe in yourself and know that whatever it may be, you can do this.

So take it one step at a time, and anticipate not what is to come, for the future will work itself out somehow.
have faith.

and because sometimes my faith is not strong enough, it's always good to remind myself of others' words:

"you're out of your comfort zone now. almost a panic zone, but you'll need to get there more often if you want to grow, to achieve and be more than you thought you could be. this is your chance.

i know you can do it. you can handle this"

words to start the year

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars; 
you have a right to be here. 
And whether or not it is clear to you, 
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. 
Therefore be at peace with God, 
whatever you conceive Him to be, 
and whatever your labors and aspirations, 
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. 
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, 
it is still a beautiful world. 
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
 
Max Ehrmann, Desiderata.

Let me not to the marriage of true minds 

Admit impediments. Love is not love 

Which alters when it alteration finds, 

Or bends with the remover to remove: 

O no! it is an ever-fixed mark 

That looks on tempests and is never shaken; 

It is the star to every wandering bark, 

Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.

Shakespeare, Sonnet 116