Lessons from 2014

2014 as a whole made me want to hide under my blanket and never come out again. It was tiring, and painful and full of self-doubt and confusion. I over-analyzed everything and still felt like I was no closer to the elusive answers I sought. But in many ways, it was also a year of growing into myself, and recognising that on one hand, I have the power to be everything I want to be, and on the other, that who I am, right in this moment, is beautiful and strong, and that knowledge in itself is enough.

When I was first looking back on this year, I felt terribly unaccomplished. This was a year of endings and beginnings, of graduations and commencements and it should have been many things but it was not. I thought graduation would come with a sense of achievement and invincibility, starting work with a fearlessness and determination to change the world. These were the expectations I had of my future, but the world had a different idea. I struggled with my failures, I struggled with realities of what working life entailed and I struggled to reconcile my expectations with pragmatism without losing my optimism and idealism. Looking back, I think I can now truly say that I have arrived at a place of tampered excitement and a more long term satisfaction, in which I recognise that this path I have chosen will lead me to a place where I can be happy and content. After all, from here, life is more like a marathon than a sprint, and I need to learn to pace myself and keep my eyes on the finishing line.

If I had something good to say about the year, it would be that there were many times in which I chose courage over fear, vulnerability over disengagement and love over giving up. and for all those times, I am proud. So maybe, if I really wanted to talk about achievements, it would be that I achieved in winning these little battles against my weaker self, and in doing so, have grown into a more genuine version of who I am, confident in what I believe in and the person I want to be. I am a person who is interested in people, who sees the beauty in human struggles and striving, who values genuine connections. I am a person who is optimistic, who is idealistic, who believes that anything is possible (a function of resource and time). I am a person who is results-oriented, driven by tangible achievements and success, and while I appreciate the journey, it will not be sufficient for me. I am a person who is excited about life, who truly believes that the world has a lot to offer and there is great joy in experiencing its many intricacies and possibilities. I am a person who has high standards, not because I believe I am more deserving than anyone else, but because I hold myself to those same standards. I am a person who values both career success and family, and the next half of my life will be spent trying to figure out how to juggle both effectively. Above all, I am a work-in-progress, who will continue to be shaped by the experiences I open myself to, and the challenges that life throws at me. And you know what? That's ok. It's ok to not have it all figured out, it's ok to wander through the meanders of life and to wonder at its many questions, for if you never lose yourself, how can you ever be found? 

Dear friends I thank you, for your continual support and love. for being the sounding-board for my rants and raves and the inspiration for my occasional epiphanies. You have been my strength and my guide in the darkest of nights, and I thank you for being here, present, genuine and kind. Cheers to many more years of friendship and love, to ridiculous stories and unfettered laughter, to growing together and knowing that wherever we may be, we have people who love and accept us in all our naked glory. You make the future bright, and the past worth remembering. And with that, I say, I'm excited to see what 2015 brings!

Conversations with the universe

Wow, life is a mystery isn't it, you never really know what you are going to get. Life has been beautiful and messy, scary and exciting, heartwarming and heartbreaking all at the same time. But as I grow older, I've learnt that that's just life. My only saving grace is perhaps the ability to remember the good, and to subtly let the bad fade away into the shadows of my memory.

As Christmas comes around and 2014 winds to a close, the air is full of festive giving and nostalgic meaning-finding. This year has been an exceptionally difficult one but then again I say that every year. I've come to realize that the twenties is a decade of major decisions and soul searching, it's when we choose the paths we want to take and decide the people we want to be. We grow into ourselves as much as we grow into the world.

Exploring the world of single-hood and renewed dating has been a key part of my journey into self-discovery this year. After a crazy year of ups and downs, risks that have paid off and others that have not, I want to start 2015 on a clean slate, with a better idea of who I am and what is important to me. So I'm putting this out there into the universe, so that I can (hopefully) stop obsessing about it. When it comes it comes, and when it does, may I have the wisdom to recognise it, and the courage to embrace it:-

I want a man I can respect, with principles, a life of his own and career aspirations that he is actively working towards. A man who takes his time to get to know me (with all my stories, complexities, vulnerabilities, strengths and flaws) and who will appreciate me in my entirety and not just the parts that are attractive or easy to love. Who above all, will respect what is important to me, even when he doesn't understand it fully. I want a man who will be committed - to me, to our relationship (and our future family) and to creating the life we want together. Who understands that all of those things will evolve and change over time, and is ok with that. Love is a choice, and I want a man who will choose our love everyday and do whatever it takes to make it work, even when it's hard, even when it's easier to walk away, even when it hurts. I want a man who accepts who he is, and loves himself enough to know what he deserves and to be unafraid to ask/fight for it (especially from me). Yet, a man who is humble enough to know he is flawed and is committed to being a better person. I want a man who is kind, who loves his friends and family, who treats people with respect and compassion, especially the elderly, animals and the less fortunate. A man who prioritises both career and family equally. I want a man who will be there for me, to love me and support me with tenderness and care, and who will remind me that I am good enough, even when I tell myself otherwise. I want a man who complements me, who is sufficiently grounded so that our shared life together will be whole and balanced and so that our kids will have someone to learn from where I am flawed. I want a man who I find attractive, in all senses of the word, who is intelligent and witty and funny, with whom I have great chemistry and share a connection with (and yes that also means the willingness to bring me into his life, share his vulnerabilities with me and let me love him). Lastly, I want a man who is excited about life, and all that it entails, who just wants to take my hand and leap into this great big adventure.

Wherever you are, whatever you may be doing now, I look forward to meeting you someday :)

P.S. loves cuddling and giving/receiving hugs would be a plus.

I am exhausted today. There are some days when you just want to curl up in bed and hide from the world. Today is such a day.

Waking up took extra energy, and pretending to be fine and normal and ok, was beyond tiring. I feel myself being chipped away bit by bit and the weight of living is crushing down on me. I'm doing my best to hold myself together but sometimes life has a way of making me feel small. I could really use a hug today.

To love is to be vulnerable

It feels like too many things have happened, yet when I pause to consciously think about it, it's hard to pin feelings down to specific moments and events. It just feels like a slow buildup of small things, things that on their own don't (shouldn't) add up to much. But as they say, the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. So here I am. Writing this note in a dark & quiet bar along boat quay. Bear with me.

On work:

Having interned at quite a few places, I thought I was sufficiently prepared for work, and by extension, working life. But nothing could have prepared me for this - working is at once a series of mundane, little things, but bears the weight of the rest of my life. 

There is an urgency that permeates me, and a constant feeling of needing to do more. When you graduate, they tell you to go out and change the world, to see what you are worth, to challenge yourself, but two weeks into your job, you find yourself making photocopies and taking notes. It's hard not to lose all idealism or to feel let down by life. Patience has never been my strong point, but I really need to keep reminding myself that I just started, that I have to earn my keep, to grow and learn and prove my worth before I can do anything substantial. All this recaliberating of expectations is wearing me out. But I have to believe that the little things are important and have meaning and are great learning opportunities (cliched, but true). All these truisms you tell yourself to make yourself feel better, but hey, what else can you do but find sth to believe in, stay humble and sit tight.

On family:
Things have been rocky back home. I feel like an angsty teenager, fighting once again for my independence. It is a sad day when home doesn't feel like home, where the one place that should be your sanctuary just feels overbearing and oppressive. I miss having a space to call my own, where I could just be. No obligations, no one I feel I should be. It's always difficult to know that the people you expect to love and accept you most, make living that much harder. It also doesn't help knowing the overwhelming pain i feel exists only because of the overwhelming love I have for you. The urge to run away grows day by day, except that there's no where else to go.

On fears:
There's a lot to be afraid of. The fear of opening up to someone and then being deemed not enough or not worthy of love casts a constant shadow on my life. I seek security in the undeserved love of others and that has always been more important to me, even more than questions of what I can give or contribute. Selfish, but safe. I've always felt that this fear I have of getting hurt, entitles me to love and protection. But it doesn't. Nothing entitles me to love except for the commitment to love in return and to give and to help each other navigate this crazy adventure we call life. I am so scared, and the uncertainty makes me wanna run away, but there's sth about you that makes me stay. You've torn down layers and layers of walls I've built, and I find myself trusting you with the parts of me few others see. I also find myself wanting to understand and appreciate all the little things (the good and the bad) that make you, you. It's not easy, and I still get occasional bouts of panic, but I find myself wanting to learn all the different ways I can love you better, all the little things that'll make your day. I'm not perfect, far from it, but if you can find the courage to love me and the patience to believe in me, I promise I'll do my best to make you happy.

whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should

The last semester of school was a tough one. Struggling with coming to terms with the dissolution of a relationship, having my grandfather pass away and struggling with family, struggling with school, struggling with trying to figure out the rest of my life and getting a job. i have to say, i got my ass royally kicked this semester.

I thought i was emotionally and mentally prepared for the break up but I underestimated how tangled two lives can become over 4 and a half years and how much I depended on you. You gave me courage to pursue the things I wasn't sure I could, you sat me down and held my hand and walked me through every tough choice, and every difficult application. You were my diary, the organizer of my days. You were the enabler of my dreams, the editor of my best works and the springboard for my ideas. You were the strength that kept me going, when my own wasn't enough. You were the gravity that held my world together. You were my moral compass.

I thought I could make it on my own, that I was independent and strong. but I'm not, and I've been drowning these past few months, clutching at floating logs, reaching out for your hand to pull me above the water before remembering that I no longer have any right to be saved by you.

Every decision that comes my way, i want to know what you think. Every dilemma, every sticky situation, I still wish i could come to you for a solution. I trust your judgment like no other, and i trust your love for me to know what the right decisions should be.

Losing you feels like losing a leg, disorienting and leaving me unwhole. Just as how a lame man learns how to walk again, I too need to relearn how to live my life, to lean on the right side a little, to tilt just that much to the left. How do i remember who I was before you, when I cant remember what life was like without you?

The temptation to lean on someone else, even for just a while, seems like an easy choice. But no one new will know me like you do, and I cannot expect anyone to love me the way you did.

I thank you for all that you have given me, and I'm sorry for the days when you felt like you weren't good enough. I'm sorry for the days that I took you for granted and I'm sorry for the times I selfishly put my needs above yours.

Perhaps as you learn the lessons that you need to learn, I too need to learn how to be whole, on my own. I need to learn how to be my own motivation and strength, how to keep those demons away in the darkest of nights, how to pick myself up and carry on without you cheering me on.

Above all, I need to learn how to lean on my friends, who've been there through it all, and whose love for me will always be enough.

Thank you my dear friends, for accepting and believing in me when I stumble and fall, for giving me strength and courage. But above all, thank you for knowing me and for giving me clarity. Only you can remind me that I can be strong and whole and wonderful on my own. That I can be enough for myself and all my dreams. If there was ever a reason to believe in God, it is that something as beautiful as our friendship could not have been by chance. I cannot say enough how grateful I am to have both of you in my life.

the things that come to me, when i forget to forget.

1. I remember our first date. din tai fung, esplanade concourse with a string quartet, sneaking into the floating platform

2. I remember our second date, west coast park, the spider web, and staring at the stars

3. I remember our third date, vivo city, navigation exercise stories and fun in the water

4. I remember the phone call

5. I remember the library

6. I remember the botanic gardens

7. I remember the blue box, by the beach, you saying i love you

8. I remember you used to call me a flowerchild

9. I remember all the times you bought me lunch

10, I remember falling asleep on your sofa, with my head on your lap

11. I remember the way you stroked my hair

12. I remember loving you to the moon and back

13. I remember us holding each other and crying

14. I remember the road trip, the letters we wrote in the sand

15. I remember the breathlessness of missing you

16. and the joy of seeing you again

17. I remember our bickering, and our suaning, and our laughing together

18. I remember us walking hand in hand

This explains everything you were to me.
Bringing this to a close was a difficult decision for me, for a long time you were everything I wanted, and a part of me needs you still.