On work:
Having interned at quite a few places, I thought I was sufficiently prepared for work, and by extension, working life. But nothing could have prepared me for this - working is at once a series of mundane, little things, but bears the weight of the rest of my life.
There is an urgency that permeates me, and a constant feeling of needing to do more. When you graduate, they tell you to go out and change the world, to see what you are worth, to challenge yourself, but two weeks into your job, you find yourself making photocopies and taking notes. It's hard not to lose all idealism or to feel let down by life. Patience has never been my strong point, but I really need to keep reminding myself that I just started, that I have to earn my keep, to grow and learn and prove my worth before I can do anything substantial. All this recaliberating of expectations is wearing me out. But I have to believe that the little things are important and have meaning and are great learning opportunities (cliched, but true). All these truisms you tell yourself to make yourself feel better, but hey, what else can you do but find sth to believe in, stay humble and sit tight.
On family:
Things have been rocky back home. I feel like an angsty teenager, fighting once again for my independence. It is a sad day when home doesn't feel like home, where the one place that should be your sanctuary just feels overbearing and oppressive. I miss having a space to call my own, where I could just be. No obligations, no one I feel I should be. It's always difficult to know that the people you expect to love and accept you most, make living that much harder. It also doesn't help knowing the overwhelming pain i feel exists only because of the overwhelming love I have for you. The urge to run away grows day by day, except that there's no where else to go.
On fears:
There's a lot to be afraid of. The fear of opening up to someone and then being deemed not enough or not worthy of love casts a constant shadow on my life. I seek security in the undeserved love of others and that has always been more important to me, even more than questions of what I can give or contribute. Selfish, but safe. I've always felt that this fear I have of getting hurt, entitles me to love and protection. But it doesn't. Nothing entitles me to love except for the commitment to love in return and to give and to help each other navigate this crazy adventure we call life. I am so scared, and the uncertainty makes me wanna run away, but there's sth about you that makes me stay. You've torn down layers and layers of walls I've built, and I find myself trusting you with the parts of me few others see. I also find myself wanting to understand and appreciate all the little things (the good and the bad) that make you, you. It's not easy, and I still get occasional bouts of panic, but I find myself wanting to learn all the different ways I can love you better, all the little things that'll make your day. I'm not perfect, far from it, but if you can find the courage to love me and the patience to believe in me, I promise I'll do my best to make you happy.
On family:
Things have been rocky back home. I feel like an angsty teenager, fighting once again for my independence. It is a sad day when home doesn't feel like home, where the one place that should be your sanctuary just feels overbearing and oppressive. I miss having a space to call my own, where I could just be. No obligations, no one I feel I should be. It's always difficult to know that the people you expect to love and accept you most, make living that much harder. It also doesn't help knowing the overwhelming pain i feel exists only because of the overwhelming love I have for you. The urge to run away grows day by day, except that there's no where else to go.
On fears:
There's a lot to be afraid of. The fear of opening up to someone and then being deemed not enough or not worthy of love casts a constant shadow on my life. I seek security in the undeserved love of others and that has always been more important to me, even more than questions of what I can give or contribute. Selfish, but safe. I've always felt that this fear I have of getting hurt, entitles me to love and protection. But it doesn't. Nothing entitles me to love except for the commitment to love in return and to give and to help each other navigate this crazy adventure we call life. I am so scared, and the uncertainty makes me wanna run away, but there's sth about you that makes me stay. You've torn down layers and layers of walls I've built, and I find myself trusting you with the parts of me few others see. I also find myself wanting to understand and appreciate all the little things (the good and the bad) that make you, you. It's not easy, and I still get occasional bouts of panic, but I find myself wanting to learn all the different ways I can love you better, all the little things that'll make your day. I'm not perfect, far from it, but if you can find the courage to love me and the patience to believe in me, I promise I'll do my best to make you happy.
