Reflections on 2022: learning to embrace the chaos

If 2021 was about making bold choices in service of living the life that I want unapologetically, 2022 was all about understanding what it really takes to build and sustain that life. 

It felt like an incredibly difficult year - the strange dichotomy of feeling financially insecure without any real income yet objectively living a more than comfortable life. I felt (and still feel) like I'm constantly borrowing from the future while simultaneously trying to build it. All the while hoping, anticipating, praying that this investment I'm making today becomes the spring from which the many returns of tomorrow will flow. 

In tandem, the question of where to call home (even just for now, even just awhile) was something I was forced to think about a lot. I never understood how much I took for granted that sense of security I used to have when my only home coincided with the country on my passport. But now, Singapore feels increasingly less like home, and knowing that scares me just as much as it delights me. I love the life I've built here in the US, and I'm infinitely proud of what I've created. Yet what does it mean when this life I've come to love is contingent on a government visa that's tied to a job that I may or may not like? That my presence here is not a right, but a privilege that can be taken away anytime I'm not deemed worthy. Can a life in a place like that truly feel like home? What is home anyway?

I've never felt less in control of my own life as I did waiting on an inefficient company and government processes to decide if I can return to the life I've built and love. As I contemplated a transatlantic move to either the UK or South Africa, I pondered the irony of having no control over whether I could physically live this life which resulted from my choice to move countries precisely so that I could build this life. 

I say that it felt like a difficult year, and it truly did - the nights I spent crying, wondering if I was making the right choices, wondering if I truly knew the price of my dreams and ambitions, wondering if I would ever get there. Yet when I take a step back, out of my own head, the truth is things weren't bad. I was part of an accelerator program that gave me a crash course on what it means to build a fund. And whatever I can't learn through the program, I've been learning by putting my money where my mouth is - I've invested in 5 great companies and founders that I truly believe in, and while it's too early to say if they will be successful, I believe that they will change the world. I've started telling people about the fund, have garnered some interest, and even gotten my first check! 

Two years after working for a Nigerian healthcare company that kickstarted my interest in Africa, I made it back to the continent by attending a founders conference that I got to invite my portfolio founders to. Meeting them made the work more real to me, more human, and the Lagos buzz of energy is truly one of a kind. And yes, it took longer than I expected, but I did get a job that would sponsor my visa, in a role (consulting) and field (healthcare) that is interesting to me, and I eventually returned to the US, and to this life. So now standing on the other side looking back on the year, I find myself asking, was it really all so bad? 

It is upon this realisation that I set my intentions for 2023. The road ahead is long, and my focus for this year is to build what I need to sustain myself on this journey. So this year, I want to focus on 3 things: 

i. Owning my decisions 

ii. Giving myself grace

iii. Having faith 

Owning my decisions

It is so easy, and oh so tempting, to imagine the life I could have had - would the scenery have been more beautiful, would the path have been easier, if I had walked the road not taken? 

That life always seem almost perfect in my head, encapsulating all the things I don't have in this life, but could have had. But ultimately, I chose this life for a reason, and it is time to embrace all that I am, because who I am has led me here. And who I am will lead me where I need to go. No one's ever swum the English channel by dipping their toes in hesitantly and constantly looking back. 

This is the life YOU chose, by yourself, for yourself, and you are the only one who can live it. So live, lean in, and race unfalteringly towards your destiny. It will be more than ok.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, 

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

- Robert Frost

Giving myself grace

Understand that what you're doing is hard. It is constantly fighting the currents, digging your heels in the sand, and making your way forward step by precious step. Sometimes, the going will be slow, sometimes the waves will push you back, sometimes you will need to rest, regroup, recharge. It is ok. Constantly comparing yourself to this ideal you've built in your head will only wear you out and chip at your resolve. You're in it for the long haul now. Building that core of strength that will take you the distance requires that you learn to enjoy the journey, appreciate yourself, and have fun along the way. You can't do that if you're constantly scolding yourself for all the ways you think you've fallen short, or did not live up to your own sky high expectations. Give yourself the grace you need, recognize and celebrate the small wins and the progress made. Be kind to yourself. 

Having faith

You are enough. 

It might take you longer than you thought, the road might have unexpected twists and turns, and you might not achieve what you want quite the way you thought you would. But know that you will get there. Because I believe you can, and you have to believe it to. It is inevitable, not because the world owes you anything, not because it is written in the stars, but because you won't stop until you've achieved what you set out to do. 

Having faith also means having faith in God's plan. It's not always clear how things will come together, but trust that they will. Even in the moments of strife and setbacks, trust that God is somehow putting you on the path you are meant to be on, and bringing the right people into your life at just the right time. Trust in his design, for he is the creator of all things, and God is good. 

And with that, I say to 2023, you are a gift and a wonder, and I am excited to meet everything that you bring into my life! Dear friends and family, my love for you knows no bounds, and I am ever grateful for your constant presence in my life. You are my light, my love, and my all, and you give me the strength to be who I am. I would not be here with you. I hope 2023 will be kind and wonderful to you too ♡.