oh darling,
three hundred and sixty hours, to the day you cross those nine thousand miles to stand before me.
with that look in your eye and that silly smile of yours :)

Lei Ho!

which roughly translates to " You good?"

Anyway, I'm back from Hong Kong, the land of
15 hours of shopping and 8 meals a day!

 

I am broke, fat, and tired.
but incredibly happy!

daytime oneirology/threshold consciousness

i dream about the day when i wake up squinting at the sun, a head full of bed hair and your amused smile as you kiss the top of my head.

i dream about us, sitting around a table, with glasses in hand, laughing, swapping stories and new techniques.

i dream about 10 years from now. all of us, wii (or whatever new technology they'll have then), and a
swordfight/tennis/canoeing/laundrywashing showdown - just like we were nineteen again.

i dream about the day i say "mum, try this. it's got your favourite pork ribs in it"

i dream about holding your hand again, and smoothening out that frown line caused by so many years of worry.

i dream about both your smiles, in front of the Swiss Alps, along the Grand Canal and in the Hanmer Springs.

i dream about floor-to-ceiling bookshelves, the smell of wood and a lot of books.

i dream about coming home to you.

i dream about bathtubs, silk bed linen and evenings spent on the couch with your arms around me, hot chocolate in hand, just talking.

i dream about Hailey/Erin/Ariel and a little boy - he's got your eyes, but he has my smile.

(btw, Grant is a bad name, almost as bad as benzene!)

i dream about leaving on the early morning flight to london, japan, china, new york, with a head full of ideas and a mission to build bridges.

i dream of the day i beat the norm, and create something new.

i dream that someday, i will inspire.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/markestes/428075163/in/photostream/%20

How do people stay true to each other? When I think of my parents all those years in the unmade bed of their marriage, not ever longing for anything else—or: no, they must have longed; there must have been flickerings, stray desires, nights she turned from him, sleepless, and wept, nights he rose silently, smoked in the dark, nights that nest of breath and tangled limbs must have seemed not enough. But it was. Or they just held on. A gift, perhaps, I've tossed out, having been always too willing to fly to the next love, the next and the next, certain nothing was really mine, certain nothing would ever last. So faith hits me late, if at all; faith that this latest love won't end, or ends in the shapeless sleep of death. But faith is hard. When he turns his back to me now, I think: disappear. I think: not what I want. I think of my mother lying awake in those arms that could crush her. That could have. Did not.

-Cecilia Woloch

please, be patient with me.

a quarter after one

I find the map and draw a straight line

Over rivers, farms, and state lines
The distance from 'A' to where you'd be
It's only finger-lengths that I see
I touch the place where I'd find your face
My fingers in creases of distant dark places

I'm miles from where you are,

I lay down on the cold ground

and I, I pray that something picks me up

and sets me down in your warm arms

For Schelling, the distinction between compellence and deterrence is the difference between an action “intended to make an adversary do something”—compellence—and an action “intended to keep him from starting something”— deterrence.2 The change in behavior sought by compellence can be manifested in one of two ways: either the adversary starts doing something it is not now doing, or the adversary stops doing something it is now doing. Either way, the adversary changes its behavior. Deterrence, by contrast, is a strategy designed to prevent an adversary from changing its behavior by dissuading it from initiating an action. Deterrence seeks to get the adversary not to change its behavior—that is, to continue “not doing what it is not doing.” Thus, compellence aims to alter an adversary’s behavior; deterrence, to keep it the same.

Could i compel you to stay and deter you from going away? 

conversations

horror movie bets - underworld - alan greenspan memoirs - "and pour maple syrup all over you AND EAT YOU UP FOR BREAKFAST" - "i like maple syrup" - 1/11/2009 - a confused existence - flirting = greek poetry - emo & dramatic? - told so much - you called me flowerchild.

"But she told it to shut up and loved the world anyway"

is that it then? is that the reason why my head wont shut up, or why i wont stop asking questions? is that why i have such seemingly impossible dreams, and why i'm always amazed?

also, it reminds me of those late nights thinking about why i wanted to study what i wanted to study, and why a university education at all.

hmmm maybe the lesson i'm supposed to learn here, isnt one of courage, strength or the benefits of failure. maybe you're right, the lesson here is one of humility, which might turn out to be far more valuable, but also far more scary. Do i really have to lose it all then? hold me, i am scared.

- 15 April 2010


[edit]

When university is all said and done, i suspect the testament of your life and choices will be much louder than your good grades and you will look back in retrospect and connect with that thing between your boobs and share with your grandchildren that once their grandma thought the world didnt favour her...but she told it to shut up and loved the world anyway.

the past few months have been some of the hardest and most draining, there have been so many things to consider, decisions to make, monsters to kill. In some ways, it's good to know that despite everything, there is strength deep within me that keeps me going. Make no mistake, there were definitely times when i lost faith and i just wanted to give up. But now that things are coming to a conclusion, i think i can say that i am still here and stronger. This experience has not made me like failing any more (who in their right mind would?), but it has made me less fearful of it. it has given me a certain confidence to stare in the eyes of failure and say, you may have won this fight, but i will win the war. 

i am also greatly humbled. i hate to say this but i think having believed in my own uniqueness and strengths a little too much, coupled with the fact that failure (where it matters) has for so long been a stranger, has made me complacent. i am young and have nothing to my name except potential, and to think that i could beat the very same system that produced me was sheer arrogance. there are so many people out there who have it all, brilliant individuals with straight As, and i never want to compete from a position of such disadvantage again. So let the lesson here be that i live in a society with clearly defined benchmarks and i cannot realistically expect to compete on my own terms alone. 

Having said that, i also choose to believe that it is not society's benchmarks (as important as they are), that define us. the choices we make, and the battles we fight, between our hearts and our heads, are what makes us who we are. and that, more than anything else, will be our legacy when grades, calculable results and rat races are done with and on the shelf. 

(thank you, yee - for your words and perspective)

lastly, i regret nothing. i've tried my best, and although the outcome may not have been any different, (and really, on dark days i wonder why i even bothered), doing so has allowed me to make peace with myself. cos knowing is always better than wondering, and even the biggest failure beat the hell out of never trying.

" We are all pieces of meat, my dear"

S: Hi Michele, Joel inviting his friend Sef to dinner too. He's vjcs top student and a hot dancer. Mum says introduce him to you.

M: Zomg. Am I incapable of finding a guy myself?!

S: You are perfectly capable. But who wants to hunt for one when he can be served to you along with Kanti's mee soto?

M: HAHAHA when you put it that way, who can refuse? He better be as yummy as Kanti's mee soto

S: He has charm & can dance well. And he is the first boy who is > you academically, all As + H3 distinction

M: If he's so great then why isn't he snatched up yet?

S: Personal choice, wanted to wait till uni

M: People who do that are weird.. hahahaha

Frivolous conversations & guitarhero FTW.

GIRLS, i need a night out, soon!

"Like i said...you are a really cool individual. Your personality and character will speak for themselves. When university is all said and done, i suspect the testament of your life and choices will be much louder than your good grades and you will look back in retrospect and connect with that thing between your boobs and share with your grandchildren that once their grandma thought the world didnt favour her...but she told it to shut up and loved the world anyway. then you will take their hands and skip through the jolly streets of antwerp with candied apples in one hand, and the family in the other..."

08.04.2010