a place to call my own

i've always lived carrying a certain vision of what i want my life to be like.

like some jailbird whose picture of his beautiful wife and kids keeps him away from the edge,
carrying a snapshot of the future i want has always kept me going.

always.

but somehow, a week ago, i couldn't find it.
i told you  it was like going blind all of a sudden, and all i saw was nothingness.

technically, that wasnt true. i saw nothing
but this horrible possibility i could not look past, the kind of future (if i care to be dramatic) i didnt see a point living. In that moment, staring down a blackhole, i wanted to give up.

on days like that, i really miss school. i miss the comforting routine of timetabled weeks, always knowing where i'll be, what i'll be doing. i miss the safety of a school environment, where my duties and identity was very much a given; where my role in the bigger picture was clearly demarcated for me - events director of ISAC, chairperson of 6C22, thespian of the DRAMA CLUB, dancer of EDS, student of  DUNMAN HIGH SCHOOL. oh how it felt like it would last forever!

out in this much bigger world, it is not a school you enrolled into with a place just waiting for you to fill. you are not registered into a class, there is no compulsory CCA.

you go in search for a place to call your own and only if you're lucky enough, careful enough, if you fight hard enough will you find it.

and if you're really really lucky, you'll carve out a special corner for yourself, somewhere you can build a fireplace, snuggle in with a hot chocolate and call home.

i am only now starting to realise that my sense of self worth is largely tied to how much i feel i'm needed.

i can only live knowing that there is something unique i can contribute, regardless of where or how.

flotsam and jetsam

Someone once told me that I am not an android, constructed into perfection. i am not perfect, that much is true. but i am constructed.

everyday i put together bits and pieces of myself just as i fall apart.

my reading list (before i forget!)

1. Breakfast at Tiffany's by Truman Capote

2. The Great Gatsby by Fitzgerald

3. The Truth about these Strange times by Adam Fould

4. "Van Gogh" The man suicided by society by Antonin Artaud

5. The Impossible Science of the Unique Being by Peggy Kamuf

6. Alice in Wonderland & Through the Looking Glass by Lewis Carroll

7. Minor Characters by Joyce Johnson

i think that will have to do for now!

recently read:

Looking for Alaska by John Green (finally!)

Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami (utterly on impulse!)

Both good :)

"I read so I can live more than one life in more than one place."
~ Ann Tyler

Michele's Job Offer

YOU SHOULD DO THIS (BOYS)

1. always plan the date properly (i.e. not floopily)

2. dress nicely (and no, t-shirts are NOT nice, unless your body is very hot and your obliques can be seen through them) 

3. always be there before us

4. pay for everything

5. plus points if you buy us flowers/nice things without it being a special occasion

6. always walk on the outside of the pavement/sit on the outer seat in the bus

7. do not take forever to reply our smses

8. make interesting conversation

9. when we try and make you jealous, pls act jealous (even if you're not, though we're sure you will be)

10. always say nice things to us, although they may be corny.

e.g. I forgot how beautiful you are/your hair smells nice/your smile is so cute.

If you can do all this and more (and do not bat for the other team) do drop a comment and Michele will send you an application form. Only shortlisted candidates will be notified.  Thanks ;)

vertigo

i have too many things to do, and too many places to be.
my head's all over the place and my heart, far from here.


pull yourself together Sam,
is this what they call a quarter life crisis?


hold on to who you are,
and ride out the storm.

the excitement of new beginnings

hello!

I didnt think i would do it, but i did!
here i am, starting all over again at a brand new blog, and it certainly brings a kind of excitement that only comes with new beginnings.

so why did i do it?

Well, it's been something i've considered for a while now, but I've always held on to that one - with its really sophisticated address and a layout far more complicated than need be - for sentimental reasons. I've always felt that while everything else changes, (and i grow up, yuck) it's nice to have sth that doesnt change.

Now though, it somehow feels right to start over (and trust me, i have no idea why either) and to take that leap of faith! ha.

In that line of thought, i wont be importing my archive of posts, (though i may cheat a little and repost some of my old ones: words i want to remember, little notes to myself, things like that).

For now though, i'm gonna have fun playing around with the colours and layout of the blog. oh and just for interest's sake, here's the long list of other addresses i considered:

thesubtlearts (taken)
theartofpostcards (taken - by a blog actually selling postcards. cant argue with that!)
mechanicsofpuppetry (admittedly slightly pretentious)
newstrangers (taken)
thenoisypeople (haha)
theforeignholiday
thelongwayhome(taken)
thewaywewait (taken)
theworldwechange (taken - and slightly too save the world for a nobody's blog like mine!)
thewrycatcher (too obviously taken from a book title)
notetoself (taken. argh! i really wanted this one)
unofficialfridays
postcardstonowhere (taken - another one i really wanted)
vexedpersononthisovercrowdedearth
whatfoolsthesemortalsbe (you can tell i was starting to get frustrated)
kneedeepincandy (too tween)
hellojanuary
tequilamaguaritas (too alcoholic)
butyourelovely (i got a lot of "who?" when i asked ppl bout this. so no.)
word-painting (taken - really liked this one too)

sigh, it's so hard to be original in this overcrowded world! ( and i must say, choosing a blog add was much easier when you were fourteen and gay). ha.
in the end, it was a tough fight between unofficialfridays and paperyesterdays, and i finally went with the latter cos i liked how dreamy it was.
 
alrighty, it's been fun. shall head off to bed now.
good night y'all, sleep tight! :)

"As adults we want to see a person who is clear in her vision. Who recognises her faults but is open to learn and motivated to move on. A sense of humour is good. Grounded on a humble and reasoned head. Go in there with the assurance that many people believe in you...we believe in you for your success in life. This interview is just a means to that end. Cos whether or not they can accept you, i know you will still do well for life." - yee. (thank you)

12.04.2010

[edit] I GOT IN :)

21.05.2010