buying stationery

I just got a pretty green tumbler from starbucks the other day, and today, a blue notebook for school. I have yet to get a bag, and a smaller notepad for random thoughts. If i get accommodation, i will soon have to start looking for furniture and cushions. along the way, maybe i'll try and figure out the whole bidding system. maybe i'll start reading relevant non-fiction again.

i dont remember when i started (almost subconsciously) preparing for school, but in some queer way, these little things are what make the idea of going off to college real to me.

on some level, i feel like i've been anticipating this for years now. from that early friday afternoon when dhs career day brought up thoughts about uni and my life beyond dunman high, we've started dreaming about college. we've talked about where we want to go and what course to take. we've talked about the crazy undergraduate parties and the late night readings. we've written and re-written our personal statements and agonised over applications. we've sat for our A levels and gotten our results (some better than others). We've evaluated our offers, applied economic theories, sought divine direction and - taking a deep breath - have chosen our respective universities.

looking back, these past few months have been very much a transition of sorts and i think i can safely say that it's been a very fruitful few months. I've learnt a lot - about the various careers, about working life, about myself - from the internships i've taken up and i couldnt ask for more in that aspect (though i could have certainly hoped for more pay!). in retrospect, i wish i had left more time for myself, more time to prepare for school and catch up on my reading list. but hey, hindsight's always 20-20 and i couldnt have known then what i know now, so no point second guessing myself that way.

standing here now, with college right before me - not as a distant future, not as a dream, but as a soon-to-be reality - i am almost surprised to find that i am scared.

i fear that i will not be enough, i fear that i cannot live up to expectations (my own as well as everyone else's), i fear that school will be nothing like what i thought it would be; and if that happens, i fear that i will not be able to adapt accordingly. i fear that i will not enjoy it, i fear that i will not be able to look past what i've lost to see what i've gained, i fear that i will not use my time there as best as i can. i fear that the food is bad, i fear that i will have no friends, i fear that my room will be full of lizards.

i fear so much...i fear too much!

but beneath the overwhelming fear, there's a little fire of excitement. this will be yet another chapter of my life, a momentary transit station, if you will. like the 3-hour transit in Narita airport from Singapore to Chicago, the stopover can be spent reading at a coffee house, catching forty winks in one of the airport rooms, or striking up a conversation with the lone traveler crossing nine thousand miles to see her lover.

It's a chance to prepare myself for the next leg of the journey, yet a unique experience all on its own.

and in this time and space, anything is possible.