replanting my dreams

" is it the loss of a goal,

or the loss of a dream?"  you asked.

"loss of a dream" i said, almost instantly,

making me wonder if the recognition came from 

subconscious repetition or from 

finally putting a name to what i've been feeling.

To let go of a dream, to accept its loss is not easy. 

perhaps the key is to trace it back to its roots.

***

I've always wanted to go overseas to study. it was one of those dreams which starts off as an idea, gains momentum unexpectedly and eventually grows into a full-blown effervescent expectation of the future. 

That's why childhood dreams die the hardest. they are born from the kind of single-minded passion that only a child is capable of, yet matured from their simplicity through the experiences one goes through growing up. touring UK put a geographical location to "overseas"; falling in love with the museums in europe gave me things to add to my weekend/summer vacation to-do list. the quaint bookshops I encountered in Bath decided how i wanted to spend quiet Tuesday afternoons between class; and the way going to the theatre was Britain's going-to-the-movies appealed to the rather large part of me that had devoted 4 years (and more) to EDS.

the funny thing about dreams is that, like any physical object, one grows emotionally attached to them over time. My mind had practical reasons for staying, but in the battle between the head and the heart, the heart always wins. if not in reality, at least in my emotional space over which it holds autocracy. these dreams take on inordinate significance and expectations that might or might not be realistic. one has fallen in love with the idea, and love is blind, it sees only what it wants to see, and expects only the ideal. 

in my head, it became my means to freedom. i thought that it would give me a distance and provide a measure of control over my life that i never had before. i wanted the space to be my own person, to live solely by my own jurisdiction. to be able to decide and not be overruled, to merely receive advice and not orders. after all, geographical distance often (but not always) translates into psychological distance. it's much harder to dictate and assert control across the Indian Ocean.

Also, i was beginning to feel that this island was too small for me. 4,839,400 in population seems too much to justify that statement, but socio-economic patterns and personalities repeat themselves. an overgeneralisation perhaps, but the herd instinct is particularly strong here and there isnt enough social space for perspectives to develop greatly beyond the stereotypes. If mindsets were ice cream, i wanted to sample new flavours.

So this dream stems from these. How extensive these roots have grown, how subtly it has spread itself beneath the ground. Still, I will learn to walk away. I will find in another, the same shade, support, and beauty that i found in this one. I will replant the seeds all over again, and water it with care till it grows to hold the same purpose and expectations the previous one did. And when the time is right, i will revisit the old one, and appreciate that in that loss, i have gained; that i have experienced the beauty of both and understand that being able to do that makes me a stronger person.