Little Alice: Have I gone ‘round the bend?

Papa: You’re mad, bonkers, off your head. But I’ll tell you a secret: all the best people are.

life's been a teacup ride lately, spinning round and round in dizzy circles.

"The faster you turn the wheel, the faster you spin"
There are lessons i never learn.

Am thankful for the unexpected free day. maybe making silly mistakes was my way of giving myself what i needed outwitting my conscious compulsion to "make full use of my time". after all, you cannot fill the days you never thought you had.

the mad collision of impending school, work, friends, your return (and presence) and parents tips my finely balanced life (read: walking on a tightrope 1250 ft above the ground). i overcompensate by dishing out time that is not mine to give, borrowing from the future for today. I am horribly short-sighted that way, always counting on a windfall, a good day in the stock market or inflation to service my debt. Maybe someday i will master the art of making time. today is not that day.

there are things to settle and decisions to think through, experiences to reflect on and distant parts of me to discover. School starts in a couple of weeks and i've never felt more unprepared. I feel like i should have thought through what modules to take, what societies to be a part of, what kind of person i want to be, but all that fills my head is "crap. my chinese is hopeless, i should start practising sign language" 

that all-knowing voice in my head tells me that there's a step by step manual to these things, that worrying is unnecessary and useless; that i shld just focus on the present and have faith that the future will take care of itself. they have a chinese phrase for this, something about ships and bridges, but all i want to do is turn back this ship for fear that the bridge will blow up before i get there.

no, things are not as compartmentalisable as i wish it to be. the heart will feel what it feels with no instruction, and the mind likewise has fought for its independence. when the future is so dependent on today, sometimes there's no separating them with ease. 

please let this be a phase. i take faith in the knowledge that this too, shall pass.

am listening to Alejandro on repeat. there's something in the beat, in the sound that appeals to me.